Monday, December 3, 2012

Rise of the Guardians

Image Source:

Dreamworks has done it again. They have had their hits and misses though. But Shrek 1, Wallace & Gromit, Chicken Run, Kungfu Panda 1 & 2 and How to train your dragon were memorable hits for me.

If you're a die hard Pixar fanboy expecting something very WOW - well, it's definitely not your Pixar. I've observed that Dreamworks stories and storytelling are usually predictable and formulaic (wait, so was Brave, but I'll look the other way and blame everything on Disney) - but that doesn't mean that their animations are any less watchable, fun, warm, cute and funny. Sometimes we just need popcorn instead of sushi. 7-11's Slurpee instead of whiskey on the rocks. Ramlee burger instead of juicy, succulent steak. You get my drift.

I grew up exposed to the Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, Sandman, Santa Claus and Jack Frost through reading about them mostly or through over-commercialism  So I already have an idea of what they should look or behave like.

Then enters Dreamworks coming in with a dash of fuck you and re-invents each of the character. Each mythical creature was interpreted with a twist - edgy, cute and with a really unique attitude -  which I really enjoyed and kept me entertained throughout the movie. It was like WOAH SANTA DOES WHAT? and like WOAH THAT ATTITUDE ON THAT BUNNY! and AWWW LOOK AT HOW CUTE THE SANDMAN IS WAIT WHAT! It was like being re-introduced to old friends who had a massive personality upheaval and extensive plastic surgey, haha.

The only thing that was slightly odd was that Jack Frost looked like he just walked out of a manga series - his features were very anime-ish. No complains. I guess it helped to make him look super animated, carefree, youthful and very NOW. Also I guess he had to look like a misfit... okay won't say anymore.

Which one of the Guardians was my favourite character? Well, it's a tie between Sandy the Sandman (+1 for being mute and cute! +1 for kicking so much ass) and North aka Santa Claus (+1 for being Russian and +1 for his naughty and nice tatts)

If you really really want to be critical about it, there's actually nothing spectacular to shout about in this movie - there were no memorable lines, no surprises. But the storytelling, the animation, the heart, the development of each character's personality - that was what got to me. I couldn't stop giggling whenever a character gets into action or whenever I spot silly references (there was a tribute to steve irwin too i'm sure of it).

I would want to watch this a few more times.

So if you haven't figured it out, I really love this and at a rating of 7.5/10 looks like the folks at IMDB liked it too. But don't take our word for it - go watch it yourself. It's fun for the whole family!

Image source:

Official website:
Malaysia showtimes:

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

not afraid of being me

i dont mince my words, i may be abrasive and vulgar but i am  nice.
i say what i think - could be improved. coz sometimes i dont think before i say
i dont like big groups all the time it gets tiring.
i really enjoy my drink - but that doesn't mean i can drink a lot.
i like food, but i don't snack and i can't eat a lot. i eat when i'm hungry. and when i'm full i stop.
i have my lansi face - but my heart's in the right place
a really good movie, song, show, act, dance really inspires me
i still dont know how to ride a bicycle but maybe i'll learn one day.
i still like my art.
i still enjoy dancing.
i can be too nice.
sometimes i do things spontaneously without thinking through consequences.
other times, i think too much.
i can do accounts in fact i enjoy balancing the numbers, i still do.
i love words. 
i love my crafts wished i had more time.
i care too much sometimes.
other times, i might not care at all when i'm supposed to.
i love my mum. i dont tell her enough, but i would do a lot for her. she is above everything else in my life. and all i want is to make her happy in my own power.
i can be fun.
i can be too serious.
sometimes i take myself too seriously - i shouldnt. just let go my ego.
i have a black sense of humour.
i can be blur - or not updated.
i love and still entertain the idea of having my own family.
if that doesn't work out, i'm still trying to come to terms with being on my own.
i used to think i would like having kids, but not i'm not sure anymore.
same about dogs.
i have a short fuse which needs to be worked on.
i still have not learnt to deal with difficult people and situations, which I will. 
i dont like it when people raise their voices, or when people are angry at me directly or indirectly - i take it personally. eventhough I know i shouldnt because I have no control over them.
i really dont enjoy conflict. 
i really despise lying or being lied to.
i empathise too much.
if it makes sense and doesn't affect me one bit, or if it's trivial to me - i can easily change my mind about something with some convincing.
i really have a lot of excess physical energy sometimes, i should do something to contain that.
i can get addicted or obsessed easily over anything or anyone.
if i had to choose between one gender, i would actually prefer the company of men. and to work/with for them. they are easier to get. simpler creatures. 
i guess it's because i'm not that much of a sekchou irly/girl
i enjoy putting on make up and dressing up. but most times i prefer my jeans and tshirt. and a comfy pair of sneakers.
i'm all for comfort over style/beauty. i wont die to look good. 
but i do like dressing up for special occassions.
i'm still searching for my perfect scent.
i still want to travel the world - see touch taste everything.
i always want to be there for the people i care about, though i don't say or show that often enough.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Minding My Own Business

Sometimes I mistake "caring" with "being a busybody". I'd like to know how where why when what... as if there was something I can do about it, but I can't. I'm just being mega curious.

How does that make my life any better knowing everything? It doesn't. It doesn't help the other person or the situation either. In fact it might aggravate matters because the person who tells you the story might actually expect some action from you which you weren't even thinking about offering in the first place - then you would've accidentally dug a pit big enough for yourself..

So maybe that's what the phrase "ignorance is bliss" really means.

mind your own business. if you can't help, or if there's nothing else within your power you can do for others or the situation, then let others mind their own.

Also, I've been guilty of other related acts:

- being sucked into the mob mentality over a subject matter or a person.
As if I don't have a mind of my own. I mean, if others felt a certain way about something, and if I don't agree, I should try to make my own stand - if not vocally, then at least, by not being part of it. I've been guilty of this quite a number of times. Why? Probably i thought it was easier to be agreeable than have to fend off or disagree and then justify myself against a group of like-minded (and opinionated) people. I like the individuals enough, but in a big group, it feels like everyone's worst side of themselves are laid out in the open. I was part of that. Looking back, it was wrong. I don't like it. I wished I had the courage then.

- and defending other people
they are capable of defending themselves. If others want to bad mouth or bitch, while it is good practice to not actively participate in it, there's no reason to defend others blindly instead. might do more harm than good because who died and made me their spokesperson?

- indulging in gossip
what the hell for? how does that make my life better? It does not. Neither will it to you.

Moving forward, I endeavor to stay away from such unproductive, negative acts in the future. It is to no one's benefit. And it serves no purpose than incite negative feelings based on presumptions and assumptions which are not verified by the other party.

To improve as a person and be compassionate, we need to NOT dwell on the negatives of circumstances or a person. The energy and effort spent in these acts could be used to do better, more productive things like read, or create something awesome, or spending time with loved ones, do chores, catch a good episode of Suits.

Simple enough in theory isn't it. Now to put it into practice.

Friday, November 23, 2012


stay in the background.



stay silent.

no one will know.

no one will remember.

just stay.

in the dark.

in the corner.

by the wall.

away from prying eyes.

hidden from suspicious ears.

shut your mouth.

open your eyes.

enjoy the moment.

breathe in.

breathe out.

watch and learn.

but don't say much.

unless spoken to.

keep smiling.

there's so much to take in.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Keeping busy....

... everyday.

I know I will be okay.

I need to learn to be okay being bored and lonely.

They are just feelings which will go away.

Monday, November 19, 2012

Just This Once.

So you give in.

you say, just this once.

this is an exception to the rule.

I won't do it again.

I didn't have a choice.

I was forced to.

Whatever the reason - the decision was to give in.

to lose a piece of yourself.

to compromise a principle.

to close an eye.

you allow this once.

and then,

it happens again.

because it's only twice.

because it just needed to be done this way.

because you had to.

because there was no other feasible option.

because. because. because.

rinse and repeat.

years and years.

and you keep doing it.



it becomes a habit.

until you forget what you are. what you believed in. what you stood for.

and then you forget yourself.

just 3 words.

just this once.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012


off and on i'll suddenly think about this one person.

i think i've written about him before here that was a few years ago. think it was a post dedicated to him on his bday.

this person left such an impression in my life that i still think about him till this day. It's been more than a decade.

“Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts. And we are never, ever the same.”

This line really captures what this person has done for me. My world was bigger because of him.

He was super intelligent, super fun, super wise, super talented. In my eyes he could do anything.

I still remember how everytime when you smiled, my heart skipped 2 beats.

Sometimes, I wonder if we could've ever got it off. But the timing was never right. :)

Then again, I'm glad it was as it was. Great friends.
Who knows what would've happened if the dynamics changed.

I never told you this in person, but any girl would be lucky to have you. All my happy thoughts, and love goes with you and your loved one. Congratulations :)

i havent stopped loving our memories.

and i bloody miss you, you idiot.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Caring About Friends.

Conversations with some friends made me realise something.

Not everyone is worth your fuck.

We were talking about how a group of fun-loving people who love to have fun who don't give a fuck about others within the group. Even if you go as a group, they'd just disperse and do their own thing and act as if you happened to be there. Wtf - it never dawned upon me that this sort of shit happens among "friends". That feels so wrong to me. So uncaring. So irresponsible and selfish. I guess it takes all kinds to make this planet. 

But at least I know that this is not the sort of "friends" I want to keep, or the type of "friend" i want to be. So i know now how to categorise them. 

The words friend is used very loosely here, hence the inverted commas. Everyone has the right to their own definition I guess. On how to be a friend. On how to be. 

If on your deathbed you can name 5, just 5 friends you know will go all out to help you when you're in deep shit - you have lived a great life.

It was difficult for me to even name 3. And that also I'm not even sure.

It's not as if I don't know many awesome and caring people. But it's probably because I myself haven't been that great of a friend. If I haven't been a great friend, if I didn't put in the effort, why should anyone give a fuck?

What am I scared of? Scared of caring and giving to people who are worth it because why? you're afraid one that you'll be fucked over? By what? How? Why? There are reasons why they have been your friends for years and years. Reasons why you bothered keeping in touch in the first place. Reasons why they were worth caring about so why should you care what happens after? If I get fucked over, then I get fucked over la.

Fear. Fear stops you from being great. But it's just a feeling which will past innit. Need to get over it and just do it.

So maybe what I really do need to learn to pick and choose who is worth giving a fuck about.

Not something that comes easy for me because I am by nature, very, very fucking soft hearted actually.

But if I want to survive and self-preserve, it's a skill I must learn to pick up.

Honestly, sometimes it's just easier to curl up in bed, than to face people. But really, one needs to make an effort to give a fuck. There needs to be some balance in the force, so to speak haha. So get out there. If I get burnt. Learn. Move on. 

Learn to say no.

Learn to be selective.

Learn to be assertive.

Learn to stand up for myself. Because if I'm not going to do it for myself, who will?

Nobody nobody but me.

And hopefully, when I've learnt to be a better friend, 5 of them too. 

Monday, November 5, 2012

Recurrent Dream.

I've had recurring dreams about being back in my taekwondo classes. Very realistic dreams.

The floor, the walls, the class in progress. My instructors. The green paint on the wall. Even the location of the toilet.

I wonder if it's a sign?

Was never really good at sparring though. I was SHIT at it. Hate the idea of hurting people. Always held back and let other party hit me LOL. And it's pretty useless for self defense. But I was fucking good with patterns because I was just.. good at forms. And I thoroughly enjoyed that.

With 2 mended knees and having not done it for nearly a decade, perhaps it's too late?

Maybe there's something else I could take up.

Kick boxing? Capoeira? Hmm. It's never too late right?

Of Being Drunk

Not sure if I'm done with this part of my life yet or just sick of looking at how people behave when they are shitfaced.

You know .. when they/you're not talking sense, falling all over the place, imposing trouble onto other people, killing off their fun.

That's the worse. When you impose your drunkardness onto other people. Troubling them to worry and care for you, like a freaking 2 year old that needs his ass wiped by someone else after pooping.

I've been guilty of that sometimes. And I think I'm finally done with that.

There's just no fun in being shitfaced and forgetting half of what happened when you come around the next day. And those hangovers = lost of an entire weekend feeling blah.

I will still enjoy and appreciate my drinks. Because they taste good and because there's so much to experience. Not because I want to chase that high or be shitfaced. There's just no point in that anymore. There was never a point in that.

I'm totally better off reading a good book over the weekend than wasting it nursing a bad hangover.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Living your dream

I've had the pleasure of meeting these people who seemed like they are living it. Seemed like they've found it. It meaning - career. life. status. partner. etc.

I find myself wishing I was them.

Nothing's stopping me except for myself, states a bumper sticker.

Problem is I don't know what I want. Still searching. Still unsure. Still aimless and lost.

So much courage and confidence. These people already knew deep down in their hearts, what they were, what they loved, what they are capable of.

How did they know what they want? How and When did that process take place?

And why hasn't it happen to me?

I should stop asking why. 

And just keep searching. 

By elimination maybe one day I'll find it. That peace. That calm.

That thing.


Can't just settle with anything. 

You just can't SETTLE with life.

Wednesday, October 31, 2012


Well I had the pleasure of viewing it on seats that felt like first class plane seats - so I might be biased.... or asleep.

Not a huge Bond-head, me. But if I had to choose, my personal favourite was Pierce Brosnan - suave, clean cut, classy & lethal. Daniel Craig lacked that Bond classiness for me. But he totally  makes it up with lots of brawn & brute - which are not exactly what Bond is about innit? To me, at least. Then again, it doesn't matter as long as it's entertaining as hell. :)

I quite enjoyed Quantum of Solace and Casino Royale though - lots of hard, gritty, raw, edgy action than the usual Brosnan's versions. Craig's version actually gets his suit all torn up, he actually bleeds and literally gets his hands dirty. 

I've been reading some rave reviews about Skyfall - which is probably why I had high expectations for it. Bad move.

Apparently if you're a huge Bond-head you'll really appreciate this one. Lots of nods to other older films. Lots of easter eggs to tickle yourself silly with. I didn't pick up on anything. So it was wasted on me.

Storyline's predictable. There wasn't enough airtime for sexy cleavage-laden vixens. Of course all the sex scenes were chopped off  (Malaysia mah!). There was no mind-blowing state of the art gadgets. It was all very... muted.

I really like the opening song by Adele, though. The opening scene is trippy. Judi Dench was being a tough, hard, bitch (which I love) and kicks a lot of verbal ass. The cinematography & landscape were pretty to look at.

All in all, SkyFall was so-so for me. It lacked the usual major asskickery, mind numbing, overdramatised violence I'm so used to watching.

I'm tempted to say more but I'm afraid of giving away the plot.

So why don't you go watch it when it opens on 1 November and tell me what you think about it. :)

Oh yes, happy 50th birthday Bond. May you always have awesome actors immortalising you.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012


Sometimes, caring is not just offering help to someone you care and love when you think they need it.

Sometimes, caring is also being able to trust someone enough to be able to handle their own problems, after they have rejected your help. So you don't have to obsess, or worry over it.


Thursday, October 25, 2012

Career Crossroads

Ya.. so recently, I fired my company. Well, not really. I tendered my 3 months notice. So that's like, telling my company in advance that I plan to fire them on a certain date, haha.

And I tendered... wait for it.... without already having another job in hand.

Most people would say that's crazy! Irresponsible! Not thought through! No regards to your future! No planning!

In fact, a lot of people have said so.

I myself was very apprehensive about it.

But fact of the matter is - this arrangement wasn't working out for me. If something ain't working out, and you KNOW it in your gut that it's not working out, why prolong the pain? Doesn't make sense right?


I've always been so scared of the unknown. Of the what ifs and what would happen if I did this and that. But we'll never truly know what will happen in the future would we? Life is never certain.  We can guess. We can carefully, meticulously plan every second of it - but Murphy's Law ALWAYS apply.

I'm bright, I'm capable, I'm dedicated, I'm intelligent, I take pride in my work, I'm hardworking, I'm able to conduct myself appropriately in social settings, and I'm reliable.

There's absolutely no reason why I won't be able to get a job in the next few months.

And if I don't, perhaps than I'm meant to study some more. Or travel. Something I've been thinking about but never done.

There will be something out there for me, whatever it is.


Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Let It Be

Had the wonderful opportunity to witness a choir from the Philippines perform The Beatle's very famous song ever so nicely.
And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree
There will be an answer, let it be
For though they may be parted, there is still a chance that they will see
There will be an answer, let it be
And when the night is cloudy there is still a light that shines on me
Shine until tomorrow, let it be
It used to be just another song with a bunch of words to me.
And then suddenly it occurred to me that the lyrics are actually meaningful.

Let it go.
Life goes on.
The good, the bad. All the feelings - the happiness, the sadness.
It'll all come to pass.
Hanging on to the past won't make things last.
Won't change anything.

Won't change the memories.
Won't change the consequences.
Won't change the events that took place.

The only thing one CAN do is to learn from it.
Be grateful for the experience.
And then move on.

Let it be. Let it be. Let it be. Let it be!
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be!

Tuesday, October 23, 2012


I'm actually a lazy person by nature. This is applicable to things which I do not particularly enjoy doing. When it comes to things I do not enjoy doing, if I can get away with doing it..... or putting the least effort in doing it (eg: chores) I would. Actually sometimes, they are also days when I'm just not motivated to do anything at all, even though I know I should be doing stuff I ought to be doing, or even want/rather be doing. How in the world did I keep convincing myself to not do them? Aiyoh.

(Contrary to what I've said above, I actually spend too much crazy hours at work, hehehe. That's a different subject altogether and we'll get to that one day.)

I feel recently, that this is a direct conflict with this other nagging feeling I have - not living enough.

If I'm lazy, how am I to live my life?

If I want to live my life, how can I effort to be lazy?

There is no time to be lazy!

Something's gotta to give. I don't want to wake up in the middle of the night covered in cold sweat and suddenly realising that if I died tomorrow - I just haven't lived enough. That I've not milked the day to day for all the experience and learning I can get my grubby little hands and mind on.

I could keep wishing that someone would push me to be un-lazy, to do things. I could keep hoping that someone could do all my stuff for me. But if I was going to keep depending on silly wishes and a "someone else" - am I not then, just not in control of my own life? Uh huh.

So, it's time to stop being lazy Ah Fa.
Get out of your ass and just do stuff.

Live each day like you're going to die tomorrow.
There's just no time for regrets.

Monday, October 22, 2012

The end and a beginning.

I've never liked endings. As a child I used to be freaked out about the thought of shopping malls closing. I always have a sense of "emptiness" when my favourite serial done. Or even after a good movie's ended. Or feel really horrible when friendships turn sour. Or even worse after break ups. Or when the night comes (because its the end of a day). That empty, hollow feeling... that horrible discomfort deep in my gut. I hate it.

I'm sure psychology students may have something to say about that. Or Freud.

But whatever that has a beginning, will come to an end. It is a true and undeniable fact. And if I were just to accept it as it is and not fight this fact so much I'd probably be... more at peace.

And only yesterday I find myself being at an end of something significant in my life. And I'm telling myself over and over again that it's for the best. Not to dwell on it, not to over-analyse or beat myself over it. That it was meant to be. That I should be grateful for the lessons learnt and that it came to my life. And that I need to let it go gracefully because a beginning awaits. It's always waiting at a corner somewhere.

So really, there's actually nothing to fear... because...

The sun'll come out tomorrow!
bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow, there'll be sun!
So ya gotta hang on till tomorrow!
Come what may
tomorrow tomorrow!
I love ya, tomorrow!
you're always a day away!

Hehehe, Couldn't help myself.

But yeah. The problem with that song is that, apart from the sun coming up, we won't know what will tomorrow bring.

So I will continue to learn how to live for today and for the now.

And to be grateful for all the experiences that I'm going through, and all the learnings I'll get from it.


Friday, October 19, 2012

Beating Myself Up

Someone told me I'm too harsh on myself.

I just realised that this person is right.

When I mistakes I beat myself up to a pulp. In my mind.

I would replay this mistake over and over and over again and go through the different scenarios as figure out what went wrong, and how to fix it.. and then branch it out to the different scenarios after if I did it a different way.

Even when things are not my fault, for some reason I just shoulder it on.

I never was aware that I do this to myself until recently.

No point badgering myself over the past. A mistake is a mistake. I'm human. It's time I allow myself to make mistakes. Acknowledge it. learn from it. Move the fuck on, sister. No point brooding and beating myself over something that has happened and which I have no control over right?

Gotta live for the now. Not the past. not the future. Live for the now. Which is a gift that's why it's called the present.

Man i love kungfu panda.
I swear as soon as I get home, I'm going to watch it for the 205th time tonight.

Family & Friends Matter

I went through my older posts recently and I realised year in year out, I've been lamenting about how I haven't been spending enough time with my family and friends.

I definitely do not want to be that joker lying on my deathbed regretting that I didn't spend more time with them.

Being lazy is no excuse. Nor is working 12 hours a day and constantly being on standby on weekends (because that's for insane people :P).

I will be able to find that job that allows me to get the money I need to indulge the people I love and care about, and at the same time, gives me the balance of being able to BE with them.

It will happen. I have faith in the universe.


I will continue to learn to love myself and find out really, what I really like doing. :)

Wednesday, October 17, 2012


I'm making a conscious effort to be cheerful, positive and smiley.

I only have 1 life to live. Why should I spend it being miserable and angry all the time? Doesn't sound like a good way to live at all does it?

Probably going to be a little fake or trying too hard for now. And it really takes a lot of conscious effort to catch myself whenever I'm wearing a frown or scowl, or when I'm automatically thinking about something bad. But reckon if I keep at it like practice it'll come naturally later - like all sports. :)

The only thing I can control is my thoughts, my emotions, my SELF. If I have no expectations from the universe, I can never be disappointed. If I have I lower my expectations of MYSELF I'll likely be less stress and a lot more happier.

I can't control the past. Can't control the future. The only thing I can do is control what I do or decide for NOW.

So why worry. :)

Monday, October 15, 2012


I've realised what a pushover I am.

There's a big difference between being a pushover and being generous/accommodating. The lines seem to have blurred for me over the decades. Finding myself bending backwards to EVERYONE to please them - even people that don't matter.

Why do I do that? Acceptance? Approval? Probably. 

Then the next question would be, but why?

Probably because I never knew better.

But I do now.

I am what I am - I ain't going to bend over backwards just to make others accept me/love me/approve of me anymore. Cliche but it's my life, and I just want to live while I'm alive. :)

The only love I really need is from myself - something I have to learn to do. 

Friday, October 12, 2012

Routine Maketh A Habit

Getting a cold engine started (ie my writing) ain't easy. Reckon I will MAKE myself write on a daily basis with hopes that the juices and words will start flowing more smoothly and naturally in time to come.

So I'm learning a lot about myself these past few months. Spending time talking to people who spare me the time to really listen to me, and not afraid to tell me to my face what is wrong and figuring out how I can improve... it's really starting to wake me up. I can't believe I've been sleep walking for the past god knows how long of my life. It's as if, I've never lived. It's as if, I was just a robot - just doing things. Getting by the day. Never knowing why I'm doing it - but just going through the motions for the sake of going through it. What an empty, meaningless life.

The other catalyst I believe, was having the honour of knowing what I'm like from a 3rd person's perspective. This sounds very cryptic, but we'll keep it that way. The point is, through this... "lesson", I realise how much that what I am now, is not the person I want to be. It really did give me a huge wake up call. I'm thankful for this, and I'm inspired to be a better me.

I've been angsty, bitchy, anxious for so long - for reasons that have mostly been beyond my control. Probably because of all the unjust (in my eyes) that's going on in the world. For all the things I can't control to my favour. For the universe. What a waste of time that was. I've realised now that the only thing you can really control, is your SELF and nothing else. How I see the world, how I view people, how I choose to deal with challenges, that's all within my control. But whatever curve ball life throws at me, I'll never be able to predict - the moment I realised this fact, I'm suddenly less anxious.

Living for the now is what counts. Living in my head - that's pretty much like sleeping. Or like in Adam Sandler's Click - running on autopilot while your life is fastforwarding in front of your face while you're being completely unaware of it. That's how I've been living. My life has been on autopilot. No wonder I've always felt that I've never lived my life - it's truly because I've NEVER lived my life!

Well my dear universe, my living, starts now.

The beginning.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

To come back or not to come back.

That's the question. There's nothing stopping me from reviving this blog.

Except perhaps the body. And the mind.

But the spirit is ever-willing.


Wow. Just realised that it has been more than a year since I've blogged. Truth to be told, I miss it. Thinking about it off an on ain't going to help me update the blog but there never seems to be the time, the energy or the inspiration. I enjoy writing, I really do. In spite of the poor command of the language I still enjoy it. I still remembered why I first embarked on it - I wanted an online journal to document my thoughts.

I've always been a diary writer. My mum gave me my first journal when I was in primary school - she told me it was a book for me to jot down my thoughts, my experience, anything I felt, saw, touch or taste - anything at all, which I felt I wanted to remember, reflect upon. At first I wrote not more than a couple of words "fun day" "cold" "bored" "met this guy"... which evolved to a paragraph.... which evolved to my teenage years of pouring pages and pages of emotionally-driven scratches of my thoughts I would never have been comfortable to share with anyone.

The blog thing happened in my early years of my day job. It was meant to be an evolution of a private diary. One thing led to another, and it's no longer a private diary, but a platform for me to rant, share experiences... and as a bonus, make some friends along the way.

I've left my previous job already - the one which I've decided to close the blog for. And in just under a year, I find myself just about to leave my current one. No big secret. Just as soon as I tendered half the building already knew about the news. No big surprises since where I work, information is the key source of income. In fact, anywhere you work, information IS key source of income. :)

The previous job I left - because I was done with it. Same with this. All I can say is that - it wasn't for me.  and I have no regrets whatsoever. I've always been so scared of making  choices, of taking the leap of the unknown. Am starting to realise that EVERYTHING is life is an unknown, NOTHING is for certain and EVERYTHING comes to an end. I'm not able to control the future or the outcome, but I can control what I decide, how I feel, what I think.

I find myself being very reflective these past few months. The scary part about this is that I've come to realise I have absolutely no awareness of myself. Sounds silly when put in writing - but that explains why I've felt so lost and confused in the past decade. Always searching for something.. always waiting. What am I searching or waiting for.. I have no clue. Just something to answer that nagging question (not sure what it is) in my head, or to complete me. Finally realised that it's not the way. Fulfillment, contentment, happiness should be found internally, not externally.

.... and I'm still trying to come to peace with that. And with myself.

I hope with this post, it really means that I'm back to writing. For good.

Why shouldn't I do what I enjoy doing?