Getting a cold engine started (ie my writing) ain't easy. Reckon I will MAKE myself write on a daily basis with hopes that the juices and words will start flowing more smoothly and naturally in time to come.
So I'm learning a lot about myself these past few months. Spending time talking to people who spare me the time to really listen to me, and not afraid to tell me to my face what is wrong and figuring out how I can improve... it's really starting to wake me up. I can't believe I've been sleep walking for the past god knows how long of my life. It's as if, I've never lived. It's as if, I was just a robot - just doing things. Getting by the day. Never knowing why I'm doing it - but just going through the motions for the sake of going through it. What an empty, meaningless life.
The other catalyst I believe, was having the honour of knowing what I'm like from a 3rd person's perspective. This sounds very cryptic, but we'll keep it that way. The point is, through this... "lesson", I realise how much that what I am now, is not the person I want to be. It really did give me a huge wake up call. I'm thankful for this, and I'm inspired to be a better me.
I've been angsty, bitchy, anxious for so long - for reasons that have mostly been beyond my control. Probably because of all the unjust (in my eyes) that's going on in the world. For all the things I can't control to my favour. For the universe. What a waste of time that was. I've realised now that the only thing you can really control, is your SELF and nothing else. How I see the world, how I view people, how I choose to deal with challenges, that's all within my control. But whatever curve ball life throws at me, I'll never be able to predict - the moment I realised this fact, I'm suddenly less anxious.
Living for the now is what counts. Living in my head - that's pretty much like sleeping. Or like in Adam Sandler's Click - running on autopilot while your life is fastforwarding in front of your face while you're being completely unaware of it. That's how I've been living. My life has been on autopilot. No wonder I've always felt that I've never lived my life - it's truly because I've NEVER lived my life!
Well my dear universe, my living, starts now.