Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Speed Racer

speed racer

3 words - Don't watch it.

Unless you are one (or both) of the following:

1) really high on something. And by high I mean giggly happy and able to laugh at something mundane like a piece of rock by the roadside.
2) 7 years old or younger with ADD. The psychedelic kaleidoscope of colours will entertain you for the entire TWO FREAKING LONG HOURS.

It's really bad. No wait. The first few minutes started out quite promising, watching the super hi-tech cars outracing each other on the, literally, killer tracks in hi-res explosion of every single blinding colour the human brain can fathom.

Then the characters were introduced, and the storyline unfolded. It had to have depth (happy family), had to be all self-righteous and shove moral shit down your throat (small humble family business versus greedy money sucking capitalistic conglomerates), had to have flash-backs (use the force, luke), had to have annoying sidekicks (cue fat boy and his pet monkey every 5 fucking minutes - harhar), had to have some element of un-funny (cue fat boy and his pet monkey every 5 fucking minutes - harhar) - which spoilt the ENTIRE MOVIE and dragged the movie on and on and on and on and on and on into a spiraling vortex of VOMIT... and just when you think coming to an end where you’ll be free from it forever…. it drags on some more like a flogged to half-death donkey for another 30 bloody minutes. Bonus? The last 30 minutes were the WORST. Even watching Rain strutting around half naked speaking in very decent English didn't salvage the movie for me, and this is coming from a person who REALLY digs Rain.

It's nothing but a corny, unfunny, self-indulgant wankfest. It wouldn't have been so bad if the movie didn't take itself so seriously, but it DID.

What's worse was that I already braced myself for it. I KNEW it was going to be terrible. I knew the ratings for it were trash. And when you expect the worse, sometimes the outcome isn't as bad as you expect it to be. I cleared my mind. Told myself I'll just watch it for fucks. For the crazy blinding colours. For the awesome hi-tech racing cars. But even THEN, even with my sub-zero expectations, it still didn’t prepare me for this terrible, awful, mindless, pointless idiotic piece of shit that stole away 2 hours of my freaking life. 2 hours which I will NEVER get back. Ever. Nothing could’ve saved this movie from what it really is; a terrible, awful, mindless, pointless idiotic piece of shit. And you come out of the theater with a freaking headache and a severe case of "WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED".

Don't even bother buying Uncle Ho's DVD. It's not worth the waiting for it to download it for free either. But if you don't believe me and really have to see it for yourself, then be my guest, but I told you so okay!

Some more put on the posters big big “From the creators of the Matrix Trilogy”. Hah! I didn’t even like Matrix 2 and 3 ANYWAY.

Fuck man. I told myself I will STAY AWAY from ALL BAD MOVIES in 2008 but track record hasn't been very good. :(

Rotten Tomatoes
Official website


  1. how about Rain? isnt he worth it :(

    FA: You mum would LOVE him. Half naked most times. Speaks almost impeccable English. But not enough airtime on him to save the movie. :(

  2. Aiyoh!!! Ee Laine, how could you have wasted your time and money and actually bought tickets to watch that???!!! Just watching the trailer it was very apparent that it was a piece of trash. No la. No sympathy for you. LOL

  3. So, I'll save the money for the Dark Knight?

  4. Fortunately I never liked Speed Racer that much as a kid anyway. Was the cartoon I watched when other stations didn't play any cartoons. :-)
    Yes, it had it's good bits, but also was rather ... the same each week.

  5. I didn't even know it was a cartoon adaptation until I watched it last night. God, it was horrible. All of us agreed that it was terrible and we even contemplated walking out halfway. Good thing I belong to #1 (just Xanax) so it was at least bearable.

    Two thumbs down. Horrible movie.

  6. i agree..it'll win the worst movie of the year award! i've linked you to my blog..

  7. Never paid to watch a Wachowski Bros. movie, and never will - unless I'm duped. Third place at the box office, this movie was beat out by What Happens in Vegas...

  8. Actually, I saw the trailer this morning on TV and they interviewed the cast. John Goodman and Susan Sarandon said they did the movie as it's like nothing that had been done before. lol I think they meant the effects, because CRAP has been done heaps of time before.
    The trailer was really uninspiring ... and if that's the best they can put together to wet the appetites of the viewer, then I'd hate to see the rest of the movie.
    Of course, it was good to see at least one Aussie got employment out of it, Kick Gurry. [What sort of parents call their son Kick???] So, I hope he is able to get more Hollywood employment from it as he has done some quite good work in Aussie.

  9. lucky.... between this and iron man. i bought the iron man ticket. thanks for saving me $12. (ok. top 3 bux get a porn)

  10. Go die, Speed, go die!

    If you weren't colour blind in the first place, you will be after the constant barrage of primary colours in the movie....

  11. stay away from pondan directors hehehe...


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