Monday, March 16, 2009

Twilight Series in Summary

I noticed that people were STILL reading the damn books, thought might as well get this off my chest now.

It's chucked in the children's section, understand!

I'm so embarrassed to say that I've read all the 4 books.

Well, the redeeming thing is that I didn't exactly READ ALL the books. I skipped through most of the pages just to get the storyline. If the book had 400 pages, I've probably read about 150.

Biggest reason for doing so was because I couldn't NOT stand the protagonist. Fucking childish self absorbed EMO oh everything revolves around ME ME ME ME brat.

Second biggest reason was because of the writing style. I this I that. I hate I like I enjoy I love I want I thought I I I I I I. In one paragraph there must've been about a hundred I's in there. Makes the protagonist even MORE unlikeable to me.

Thirdly because it felt wrong to even want to READ the book, so skipping through the pages kinda didn't meant I was actually READING it, more like skimming through it. :P

SO. To spare YOU from having to actually read the damn book to get to the storyline, I've summarised each book as follows:

Book 1:
I'm in love with a vampire. He loves me too. I want to make out with him, but he could kill me because of his super vampire strength. I want nothing more than to be a vampire, but he doesn't let me. I whine whine whine whine about it because I'm super horny. Then I get into trouble, but I get saved by my boyfriend and his family.

Book 2:
My best friend's a werewolf, and is in love with me. I love hanging out with him but I don't love him as much as I love my vampire boyfriend who left me during most parts of the book for my safety. Oh by the way, vampires and werewolves are enemies... and both sides no likey when I hang out with the other side.Inevitably, I get myself into trouble again, but of course get saved.

Book 3:

Ooh, vampires and wolves CAN become friends, coz they worked together to get me out of trouble YET again.

Book 4:
I have a child! THEN I become a vampire too, yeay! My child is like pissing everybody off so there's this huge ass vampire world war happening because of it but I sorta helped saved everybody because I am so powerful! Yeay!

The end, and you're welcome.

How does twilight compare to Harry Potter? Well, HP was fun in the beginning but it got so damn tedious when Rowling hopped onto the self-wank bus that I couldn't even be bothered to read the last book. Twilight's series on the other hand... was "meh" right from the beginning. Reading the book does not automatically make you a member of the "cool club", if you get what I mean. In fact, it's probably a -10 to Cool Factor. Plus, the book totally screws up the vampire image. I mean, come on they have skin which glitter like diamonds? WTF? RL Stine, please give Stephenie some classes please, thanks.


  1. Er why keep torturing yourself with crappy books? Why not buy something decent to read? You obviously knew these books and Confessions Of A Shopaholic were shit!

    Read something good please!

    FA: Honestly, I didn't know that Shopaholic was going to be shit. I thought it was going to be a fun junk food for the brain sort of book. That was a bad buy. I have no explanations for Twilight except probably a combo of curiosity and masochism. I was curious about the storyline after watching the free movie and to my defense - I did not buy the series!!! I read it online. :P

  2. Try our Laurell K Hamiton's Anita Blake vamp series. I reckon they're a much better read. Book 1-14 ... never dissapointed.

  3. Go read Neil Gaiman's Graveyard Book!

  4. Hahaha that was an awesome summary though. Try Gaiman, yesss!

  5. seem like the 4th is slightly more interesting because of this.. "vampire world war"

  6. So the story never mentioned about shagging? This is just a big waste of time. :p

    FA: got shagging and reference to hardcore seks lol

  7. teenager series next change and adult series cuming ...... hopeful for a rewarding wait.

  8. omg, thankyou. i DO NOT get why people are nuts about Twilight and all the teenage girls running around giving themselves names of characters from the book.

  9. Hey thanks for the review. Now I don't have to read the summary on Wikipedia.

    And yes I say start with Fragile Things, short story galore by Neil Gaiman :)


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