My parents were generous enough to have exposed me to many things when I was younger. Music, art, song, dance, martial arts and even chess. They always tell me that I could be anything I wanted. That they had brought me up to be one of the most well-rounded children evar. Fit for royalty. Looking at me today - who would've thunk, eh? :)
I was never exceptionally fantastic at everything I did though, I wasn't terrible at them either. But I just wasn't driven enough to want to do MORE to be great at them. I seem to lack passion and focus. Which was a pity. Because everybody around me believed that I could've been so much more if I tried just a little bit harder. This fact bugs the shit out of me because 1) it makes me wonder what the hell are they seeing which I'm not and 2) it makes me feel that I'm meant to do so much more. So why wouldn't I try harder?
There were a few phases in my life, where I actually felt like I KNEW with every fibre of my being, what I wanted to be or do when i grew up.... join the Russian ballet, design clothes, act, be a dancer of some sort, host of my own tv show, travel the world... etc.. But I never tried hard enough to pursue it. Why?
Yet, every single time I experienced something fantastic - like read a good book, watched a timeless movie, learn about people who do great things with so little, watch a mind blowing dance performance - I get goosebumps, the hair at the back of my neck would stand, my mouth would parch, my heart would soar. I would feel like my body could explode from a tsunami of emotions. I'm motivated to want to do great things. I know want to be close to greatness all the time. To always feel so overwhelmed. To be part of something bigger. But who am I? I'm just Jack who mastered nothing. I'm like that dog barking at the sky, wishing to be among the twinkling stars.
I want to know what I am great at. I wish I knew it now. I'm turning 30 soon. I'm getting very impatient because it feels like time is running out. I want my answers now. I want to BE something .. DO something NOW.
I know I want to keep learning. I want to feel, touch, see, smell, taste. I never want to stop experiencing new things. I never want to stand still. I never want to be contented.
Nothing scares me more than the thought that I'll never be exceptional at anything. But what if I am not? What if I'm just born to be average like everyone else? What if, in spite of all the strongest desires of my heart, the feeling as if I can taste it in my tongue, I'm just deluding myself? That I actually will never amount to anything more than a floating speck riding across the infinite space of blackness?
It's a depressing thought.
Shakespeare said something about greatness, I think.. wait let me google it...
Be not afraid of greatness: some men are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them. --William Shakespeare, 'Twelfth Night'
I'm not afraid of greatness. I'm just mortally afraid that I might not posses any type of greatness.
I guess I know now why I never tried too hard. I think I've known it all along.
I'm afraid to find out that my hardest may just not be great enough.