Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Trusting Your Partner With An Ex?

Overheard on Hitz.fm this morning.

Would you trust your partner with an ex?

The honest truth?


(Edited: Okay so I got a little bit emotional and wrote a freaking thesis on this. Then I decided to cut it up. And now I'm putting up the truncated version up again. What a fickle-minded bitch!)


It's because I can't handle it. I'm a typical female. I overanalyse everything. I let my mind wander so deep into things that it upsets me. Without a doubt, I'll lose all control and obsess about their history. How she was. Was it good. Who does he love more. What did they do together? Is he doing that with me now? Who does he treat better. Did he wished for things turn out differently. Is he over her. Is he telling the truth. Does he think she was hotter? Does he still think of her fondly. Why me. Why her. Why now. Why this. Why How What When Where. Questions questions and more questions. It'll NEVER end.

Will I ever let them meet?

I'll never be 100% OKAY with my partner meeting the ex. Especially alone. Especially for "drinks".

Seriously, if they are so fond of each other, are still so close, have so much to talk about and whatevercock reason they may to meet - why the hell break up in the first place? What? 6 billion people on this piece of rock and he can't find anymore friends to make and keep? Fuck that.

How can it not be weird? Him and the ex had all sorts of history together. The emotions. The feelings. The intimacy, especially the physical intimacy. How can it be bloody normal for ex couples to have a normal platonic friendship after every sick thing they've gone through? HOW CAN IT NOT BE WEIRD? HELLO? They've done (and wanted to do) and seen all sorts of private dirty shit with each other and now they're just gonna PRETEND like it never happened and act like the ex is a dear sibling? Riiigggghhhhtttt.

They were together and they fucked it up. So move on with their fucking lives already lah. Why the hell are they still trying to "keep in touch" and play the "oh we're good friends" card? Having even their desire to want to keep in touch with their ex makes me feel inferior. I hate feeling inferior. What? I'm not good enough for you to let go of your past now is it? Want to have your cake and eat it too? Bollocks!

But to answer the question - Yes, they may meet. If he has nothing to hide then just bring me along. I'll try to tolerate their existence and pretend to be nice to everybody. But he sure as hell better not blame me if I'm going to be cold towards him afterwards, and then if I mean something to him, he better damn make sure he pampers me like fuck for the next few days so I'll never forget who's first in his goddamn life. Hey, I dealt with his bloody haha-ing with his ex. He deals with the aftermath. Case closed. Simple right?

Ultimately, I guess I can take the odd hi, how's it going, bye. Just definitely not the "hey we're bffs now so we meet everyday for lunch and exchange SEX tips!!11oneone". In the end, it all depends on how secure I am with the partner in that relationship, and how comfortable I am with that ex.

I don't think it's just me. I'm sure there are plenty of girls AND guys who feel the same way too, to a certain extent. Everybody has their flaws, and this is but one of my many. So no. I don't tell me to deal with it.

Would YOU trust your partner with an ex? Why?


  1. wow! thanks but no thanks. this is tighter than a dog lease.

  2. yeah, completely agreed wif u on this things, i for one will automatically distant myself wif my ex. and i oso make sure that my gf follow the same. watever bygone be bygone

  3. hahaha.

    but, i *am* that ex. ;)

  4. Can I have the thesis ? however cut up it may be

  5. Haha, I heard that on radio this morning too.
    But what if you are the one still in contact with your ex? Should your current trust you with your ex? :D

    FA: I guess the reason why I might not be okay with this, is because I myself am not in close contact with any of my exes. :)

  6. I think you miss spelled AXE!

    Answer is no. :P

  7. You're too insecure.

    A real turn off to men. Nobody would consider you for any serious relationships.

    FA: Men like you? thank god!

  8. eleh...y lah u do edit....just publish the crap so dat we can have some debate going on here ma....

  9. i totally agree with u... keep them distance!!!

  10. dono. depends on what kind of person i am dating. and what kind of person the ex is depending on how much or little i know. i treat it as case by case thing :D

    FA: That is true. And very objective. :)

  11. and some people really do become good friends after they break up. some people have that chemistry, but it does not translate to romance, even though they tried. but the chemistry is still there, however it is platonic. yes it does happen z0mg so miraculous! nothing i haven't told you in private before :)

    FA: Hahah.. yeah I know it can happen but I'm just weirdly hardwired like that what to do. :)

  12. well, agree with you totally about not seeing/hanging out with the ex-s.

    but HOW ABOUT if your bf has got a "girl" friend that grew up together and that they hang out like the best of buddies all these while, but are not a couple??

    FA: Different thing altogether. But some guys I know just usually give up that friendship with said girl. Guess he loves the gf so much and knowing that she's the sensitive type, doesn't want to hurt her by keeping that friendship. Sucks to be that good girl friend though. I should know. I was that girl. :)

  13. it's like 'my best friend's wedding'
    even though julia roberts tried to steal him
    his heart was not with julia roberts anymore
    so why worry :D

    FA: Cameron D was worried too leh. :)

  14. no she wasn't worried.
    she felt betrayed after seeing julia roberts kiss that guy.
    she gets the guy because she is with the guy he is now, not the guy he was then.
    at the end they all friend friend what.
    stupid argument, i go home now BYE

    FA: Oh yeah true also! Okay you got valid point!! bye!

  15. no way. hi and bye is ok. but wanna be chummy chummy and shits like calling my bf's mom "mom" is off tangent. bitch begone and move teh fuck on..

  16. I think it's too much. To me the important thing is, if she/he does not cheat on me and comes back to me at the end of the night. That's it. It's an issue of trust. Yes, I can trust a person. Especially if our relationship is satisfying (physically and emotionally) for the two of us, and we know that it would end if we strayed.

    I mean, I think it would be WEIRDER if someone does not keep in touch with even a single ex. She must be pretty screwed that she attracts a-holes for boyfriends. Like you said, you were so close before. It's hard to just so coldly forget everything? Sometimes you break up because of circumstances (career, leaving for abroad etc), or different values (want to travel more, don't want kids). Not because your ex is fucked up. They're still great people (that's why you went out with them - unless you pick partners out of the phonebook, or is totally gullible to be misled). Part of the love equation is not only chemistry, it involves building a life together (family, work, daily routines) as well. And right now the person you are with is the most suitable person for that. Doesn't mean all their ex'es are fucking a-holes or bitches that should be shut out forever (too bad yours were though) - some of my ex-es are nice people. I'm not going to hump them at the drop of the hat, especially if my honey is a blast to hang out with.

    That said, I attended 2 of ex's weddings. And I'll probably invite them to mine if I get married. All's good. The world's a stage, baby. Life's too short to hold a grudge.

  17. ahahaha, I like "Bitch, begone and move the fuck on"...

  18. Case by case, like what Suan said.

    I am not too close with my ex. On talking terms, but not buddies. Don't want anything more than that.

    That aside, new guy go rape a cow please. Could you please post the thesis? I'll quote you.

    F.A., 2008, Trusting your partner with an ex?, January 08, Make Mine an Orange Spiked Vodka

  19. 6 billions people on the little rock. But accessibility make the story.

  20. I agree with Suan and Dr Tan. Is a case by case basis. I usually have such bad break ups that I end up not speaking to my ex's because I'll put up with a lot of crap till breaking point. lol

    What AW said about them not all being bitches is true though. There is always a reason you fall in love with them [or at least like them] to begin with. But, what AW doesn't take into account is that in some cases the break up causes such pain that you don't want to see that person again, not because the don't have a 'good side', but because their company always reminds you of their bad side.

    Example, I tried to remain friends with my ex-wife but found it very much like the marriage, I was doing all the work and she was expecting everything in return. After all, I'd been with her for nine years and I didn't want to throw that all away. However, she just kept telling lies and stuff trying to make me always look bad, so it was a matter of survival and sanity that I cut all ties with her. I will however have memories of the good times we did share, but the person she is now is a very horrible and vindictive person, so better to be without her.

    But, I probably would have trusted all my ex's to [whilst I was dating them] to see their ex's. I guess I'm possibly guillible, but I think people usually know what they want, if they broke up with someone it's because they didn't want them. If they are with me, I would hope it is because they want to be with me and not just dating me as a 'placemarker' till something better comes along. I will usually trust someone until proven otherwise. Once the trust is destroy, I don't mind remaining friends, but with me the relationship would be over.

  21. i guess both parties have to be understanding.. understanding and trust... my gf's ex is her family's friend.. they grew up together.. ahaha.. sucks right? but wat the hell.. that guy is a great guy.. and they hang out once in a while.. sometimes i'll be around.. at times i won't be cause i can't make it.. initially i wasn't that cool with the whole thing.. but after a while , it's ok with me.. you just can't think too much.. at least try not to think too much.. it's the mind that fuck things up... :)

  22. Dab: Yes I was considering the ex'es that weren't bitches. So far I've had only one which was a real bitch who I don't talk to any more. But I think the discussion reveals that

    1) If the ex is a bitch, then like Kim says, bitch begone
    2) If the ex is not a bitch, then whether or not they should remain friends is a matter of trust between the current squeeze and you. If your partner gets huffy about you remaining friends, it simply means she is certain the ex will probably blow you and you will screw her brains out when she's not around

  23. i would agree seeing the ex is a sort of lame act

    1. if beak up for good...... leave it that way
    2. if beak up for bad...... then fuck why meet again?
    3. if wonder if she is doing well now.....does it bother u if she is not doing well?
    4. if she is not doing well..... are u going to do anything about it ? what about lending her your shoulder to cry on.... FUCK U!

    so... the lesson is.... why do you ever want to tell ur current girlfriend who are ur ex... thats stupid, leaving "traces" for ur curi makan act!

  24. No, I dont think so. But she wants it that way, and if that makes her happy, why not. Sometime you gotta learn to let go to get it back. my 2 cent ;)

  25. oh, we are definitely the same type.
    Well, you guys can meet, but not alone.

  26. sometimes me, my gf and my ex would get together for a threesome. it solved all my gf's insecurities. at least she knows she 'performs' better now.

  27. It's o.k. provided that there have not been more than 30 attempts to contact them without reply on a daily basis. If for instance 20 text messages, 10 emails and 14 phone calls an hour are received every day for say a period of 10 years then it would not be safe.
    If they for instance hover over your house in a hired helicopter claiming that they are looking for their lost dog then you may have cause to worry.

  28. if my relationship was in that situation, my bf will flip if i said NO YOU CAN'T MEET YOUR EX DAMN YOU because to him, this is a trust issue. no matter how many times i try to persuade him that i trust HIM, it's just his EX that i don't trust, he still won't buy it. :( damn. as for me, i am female and everything you said a typical female is, so...jealousy + paranoia will reign for a few weeks/months/years? until i feel like i can trust him. the basis of the whole debate is whether trust is there between the parties.

    what if your bf assures you that you're the best, the prettiest, the one and only and all that, will you still let him meet her?

    FA: Reassurance is not something than can be developed overnight. These things take a long time to grow. Trust is earned in a relationship, not given. Basically if I have that trust with my bf, then i'll be fine lah. As long as he has the courtesy to let me know beforehand, I'm quite sure I'll be fine. I think.

  29. sometimes things dun werk out. sometimes we can forgive and forget.
    sometimes we can be friends. sometimes, it's up to the person and His/Her current Beau.
    the world is too small la... sure TER-meet sumwhere/sumhow one la. Its how mature we want to respond to it.

    coz the actions says it all.

    FA: exactly. actions says it all. not words.

  30. if its yours it's yours.. no point forcing another person to conform to a certain behaviour... i think this comes back to the issue of trust , and if there is no trust in a relationship, well..

  31. OK, let's look at this from a different perspective. You have a friend you grew up with. One thing leads to another and you're both in a relationship. The relationship doesn't work.

    1) Do you break off your friendship with your childhood friend because of a failed relationship?
    2) If not, would you break your friendship off with your chilhood friend because your significant other half doesn't like you both hanging out together?

    Case of LPPL, isn't it?

  32. My husband's ex actually hangs out with us pretty often because they still share the same group of friends. She comes over with her husband to play mahjong sometimes.

    It was pretty awkward at the beginning but after I got to know her, it was patently clear to me why they had broken up: They are / were just not right for each other i.e. no chance of them ever getting back together again. They are fine as friends but I can't for the life of me see how they could have possibly gotten together in the first place because they are as different as chalk and cheese.

    My ex sometimes comes and meets me for lunch alone and my husband is fine with it. And the reason why my ex comes and meets me for lunch at work is because he is all awkward in front of my husband.

    So my answer would be: It's strictly on a case by case basis.

  33. KY - I'd trust my Ex with an axe ...
    provided it was buried ...
    in her back. :D

  34. I couldn't read past the first 10 comments but I liked Kimberly's "Bitch begone and move the fuck on" =D

  35. wah wah, you gotta stop listening to the radio darling :)

    That said, I'm floored by the ammount of comments you got on this post. I can't contribute anything that hasn't already been said except that we have to stop thinking too much into these kind of things. Nothing is life is guaranteed.

    Take it all as it comes and if doesn't work out, something else will.

    It always does.

  36. what if your partner doesn't quite appreciate the lack of trust you have in him?
    after all, it's all abt trust.

  37. I heard that on the radio as well and even wrote about it in my blog. The thing is, I have remained close with all (most) of my ex-es and this is due to the fact that we broke up on very mutual terms and understanding. I have an ex-gf whom I have been with for 4 years and stayed together for 2+ years when we were studying in Aussie and when we came back, we broke up. It's due to the fact that we were both very strong in our opinions and quarrelled a lot and thus both knew that we could not be together. We are great friends but just that we knew that we are not right for each other. We have both since found our other half which is more of a balance. Her bf being the tolerant one and my gf being the tolerant one. So how could we not be friends and meet since we broke up under such circumstances? It truly depends on the situation.

  38. trusting my man with his ex?hell NO..said 'bout trust?yeah..right!LAME
    how bout just move on?

    please being "friendly" to somebody else beside your ex-es people(yes..to all women and men on this planet earth).

    i've accidentally found out long time ago that one of my fiance ex's doing this.she keep on sending cute emels n ecards.she keep sending testimonial on his friendster talking bout "MY BEST FRIEND" ,"I MISS YOU MY FRIEND","LET'S DO COFFEE SOMETIME"..yada..yada..boleh percaya ke?

    at first i'm just laughing and thinking that she's one big time desperado.even my fiance said that she just being nice..that's all.but after a while,she just getting into my nerves.she keep asking why didnt replying her emel..bla..bla..bla.so,i've made some checking and found out that she actually have a BF.erm..she's taken.

    so,i've sent her one serious emel.giving her some thought here and there..like:

    1.what the hell are you doing?
    2.are you some crazy bitch that love to disturb other woman life?
    3.does your BF know that you've been doing this?
    4.do u respect other person?

    and believe me that my man also got some piece of my mind that time.

    i wont to this to my man..ever

  39. I broke up a relationship with a girl i love cos she was to obsesses with my past.

    my ex love my parent very much and she keep in touch with them and my parent to threat my gf very nice but she is just too insecure.

    We broke up even tough i do love her too bad.

    So to FA, learn to accept things as it come along, you will be much happier.

  40. what an alternate universe..

    =( had this discussion with my bf before. He said that he wouldn't be able to talk to me anymore or even be my friend if we ever break up. I guess I can't imagine being friendly with him..coz I can't imagine what horrible thing could probably happen to split us up. The both of us are just glad that we're each others' firsts.

    but but, a friend of mine has a boyfriend who has an ex who wanted to meet up. She was NOT happy but she tried to stay civilized and only allowed it to happen if she went along.

    However, it's like a fucking cancer if your boyfriend is still friends with his ex. Especially if she smses him or meets up with him for 'breakfast'(coz breakfasts mean nothing ya? Unlike "drinks")..

    ohmigod if i was ever in that position I would throw such a huge tantrum and ensure that the girl's life is miserable, go over to her and tell her to fucking fuck off.

    :( i know i sound insecure. But just imagining someone who used to do the same things i do with my boyfriend still hanging around...shit, now my blood pressure has gone up.

    ok back to studying. :)

  41. i think there are rules apply to this type of situation.
    and how you apply to them will generally lead to different outcome.

    here's what i can conclude.

    1.) Be fair to your current partner,so DO NOT MEET UP WITH YOUR EX!
    Seriously what's the point? Is your partner trying to savour something from this 'meeting'? come on, what's done is done,so move the fuck on! as quoted =)
    If your partner doesn't mind you meeting up with your ex, she/he is prolly lying. I bet my balls on this. The old flame is dead, don't try to start another spark.

    2.) If possible, stay the fuck away from your ex. Strictly limited to only MSN and do it when the moon is blue or if just strike a lottery. The game plan here is play it cold.If she/he doesn't bother you,why shoudl you? don't be an itchy ass and start the move.

    3.) Tell your partner if you love her everyday.


  42. Jealousy is common wat. If you don't want your boo to meet his ex just say it to him in his face. Ha ha ha... At least he can arrange some midnight express rendezvous rite? Ha ha ha.

  43. tak boleh, tak boleh. wanna be friends, do it at a distance and not BFF.

  44. I got jealousy issues. So, NO, NO MEETING UP AND ALL THOSE NONSENSE. I am your man, you are my girl, I take care of your feelings, you take care of mine and we live happily ever after. The End.

  45. fireangel! i agree with u.maybe because i also think to much (blablabla). i love this entry, you probably blogged out what some of us feel but have never spoken out


  46. Hi,
    ALMOST everyone is an ex to someone....my point is, trust is helluva important in a relationship.Why bother going out with someone you dont fully trust?
    Take it easy.

  47. ARe you having a relationship already? Been away for a while.

  48. Hell no.

    I say just don't put oneself in a position where shite can hit the fan. As they say, sorry no cure.

  49. i must say it's really an interesting post!

  50. i never ever bother to "keep in touch" with my ex's. hell i even delete their numbers. :D

  51. Actually, I seriously don't care, as long as he doesn't bring it up in front of me. And if he does have something to hide, I'd find out eventually and no amount of pampering sweet talk will save the relationship. I'm so cold.

  52. I can't understand women who gets all worked up over ex'es. It's strictly case by case, but from I read above, most girls will default to "don't keep in touch" under most circumstances.

    I am a staunch believer that if you chose your partners right and you broke up because you're no good as partners, that doesn't mean that you can't go back to being friends. Or even good friends. It's not a case by case.. people are friends with you because you have something in common.

    I am friends with all my ex'es. Most are not good friends anymore only because over the years, we have drifted apart. But for the things we have in common, we still chat about it. The ones that I don't keep in touch with are the ones I don't have much in common with, and they're the ones I wonder why I got together with them in the first place (lust, loneliness etc but that's another story)

    I have no problems with my partner being friends with her ex'es. I know that everyone will have a soft spot for their ex'es. Big deal.. I have a soft spot for my former teacher in school too. And by the way, I am sure your partner have soft spots for other girls/guys that never became their partners too. That's no reason not to be friends with them.

    And to those of you who are no longer friends with your ex'es, I wonder about people like you. I have a buddy who's engaged to a girl like that. My buddy has never met them, but according to her, they're all a-holes. She's one possessive girl and gets all worked up when an ex is mentioned by not just him, but other people. (Sounds like some of you?)

    He's a nice guy and I wonder.. if they break up, will they be friends or sworn enemies? And will he be categorized in the a-holes list? Coz if he will be, then she's got the problem, not him.


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