Monday, March 12, 2007

Frank Miller's 300 Is Orgasmic.

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If you have sworn upon your own blood and the sacrifice of poultry to not watch ANY movie this year, BREAK IT. BREAK THAT FUCKING VOW NOW AND GO WATCH 300! IT IS WORTH EVERY DROP OF BLOOD YOU'VE SPILT AND EVERY FEATHERED CREATURE YOU'VE EVER SLAUGHTERED.

A movie adaption of Frank Miller's graphic novel, 300 tells the story of King Leonidas who took a "walk" with 300 of his strongest men as "bodyguards" to stop the Persians from invading his land.

If you are a fan of SinCity, Gladiator and Braveheart, you will, beyond any reasonable doubt, fall head over heels over 300, even borderlining MAD LUST.

It is the best damn shit you'll feast your eyes upon evAR.

The dark, solid red from their capes and blood (OH GOD SO MUCH BLOOD) stood out EVER SO BEAUTIFULLY against the washed out yellow-hued background. For an almost monocolour movie the colours were so rich you could almost EAT them. It wasn't just a COMIC. It was pure art. It was art COMING TO LIFE.

Highlight of the movie were the bloody battle scenes, which basically, IS the ENTIRE MOVIE. Like a perfectly choreographed ballet/acrobatic routine (less tutus and the pointe shoes; add gallons of blood and violence), it was nothing short of BREATHTAKING. From the first moment you see the Spartans' raising their shield in their first battle, you'll realise that it's gonna be a ride of fucking RAW PERFECTION. To see the men suspended in mid-air for one tenth of a second in slow-mo right before he pierces his spear into his enemy in real-time, splattering his dark red blood everywhere: Pure Unadulterated Magic. Bloody. Brutal. Graceful.

Mind-Fuckingly Beautiful.

The soundtrack which accompanied these fight scenes were so powerful it makes you want to JUMP UP, grab the nearest OBJECT, TEAR your cothes off, RUN into the screen, YELL a war cry and join the Spartan army to kick some Persian ASS. It MAKES you thirsty.

The exaggerated, perfectly sculpted bodies of the men akin to greek gods. The mutant beasts of your nightmares. The god-king which reminds you of the Unraveler from the second act of Diablo 2. All these fantasy characters were you can actually believe that THEY COULD BE REAL. That a man could be 4 head taller than you and still look normal. That elephants the height of a 10 storey building walk among us. That men of such valour, such passion, such fierce strength, such insane loyalty; could ever exist in this world.

Sure the lines were pretty damn cheesy and predictable. Sure all the steamy sex scenes were cut off. But you won't CARE. All these tiny shortcomings are all negligible to how beautifuckingful this movie is, if ever a violent blood-thirsty war movie can ever be described as beautiful. Your only real regret would be that it ran for too short (less than 2 hours).

There's just not enough adjectives or superlatives in the English language to desribe how awesometastic this movie was.

I fucking can't wait for the original director's cut to come out so I can get my grimy paws on it.

I WANT THE GRAPHIC NOVEL NOW.

And Hello Faramir! You're looking very hot indeed!

Watch it watch it watch it WATCH IT OMG.

41 comments:

  1. SHOTGUN!!!....awesome movie!!! the abs were air brushed...i wonder if i used a marker pen it'll look the same...hahahaha

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  2. dammnit. 3 minutes too late...

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  3. Xerxes looks and talks like a tranny!!

    But damn, you're right, this movie fucking blows. The gore, the violence, the battle scenes, its just crazy.

    And who am I to complain about photoshopped abs when they;re half naked all the time? 300 men. 300 half-naked sweaty muscle manly men. I think the dude next to me in the cinema just turn gay from ogling all that.

    Overall, fuck historical accuracies, this is a fantastic movie.

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  4. Oh you watched it too. The censor has been generous this time round.

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  5. If you swore not to read any review this year, then break that swearing right now, BREAK IT BREAK IT, and funcking go read this review. It is written so elofuckinguently that you'll feel ejaculatingly high. Damnnn...

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  6. yeap, I love it every bit of this movie, and yeap...abit too short but then again...it rawks!

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  7. heya.. mine was without cuts!!! hurhurhurhur...

    and the steamy sex scene was steamy... but none steamier than the oracle prostitute.. ugh!

    hahahahah

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  8. Yet another cowboys movie(the cowboy are good people blah blah blah, and the red Indian are stupid, cruel villain)...Zzzzzzz.

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  9. I will, I will , I f-king will.

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  10. 'even borderlining MAD LUST.'

    Maybe BLOOD LUST, as they call it.

    'That a man could be 4 head taller than you and still look normal.'

    I'm not saying I'm short ... but thats rather normal where I am! ;-)

    'And Hello Faramir! You’re looking very hot indeed!'

    Oh yeah, typical! You wave 'Hello' to an Aussie named David that isn't me! Ptttth! :-) I feel so dejected ... almost. lol

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  11. The abs were real, in case you girls (or guys) were wondering, tak ada pakai itu air brush. If you get the check out behind the scene shots or a "making of...", you will notice that they are rick solid hard absssslurrrp...ok better stop there.

    FA, the graphic novel very the pendek for very the mahal, ask Eyeris, he felt the pinch, but for the same reasons as the movie...fwaah, what a novel!

    "Madness? This is SPARTAAAA!!!!!"

    "Today our arrows will rain upon you" "Then we will fight in their shade"

    The trailer itself super orgasmic...please come to the local screens fast...

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  12. 300 is getting more good press than it deserves. I just did a review of 300 over at Highbrid Nation is you care to read it. In the end it was just another movie that did not live up to the hype to me. Can we say "poor man's Gladiator"? Most people will likely disagree with me though, lol

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  13. haha read tht u wanted the graphic novel? heres a link i found on torrentspy... hope this helps. http://torrentspy.com/torrent/919981/Frank_Miller_s_300_comic_book

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  14. wow. marry me queen fireangel gorgo. after u give my fav movie a review like THAT ... i am officially madly in love with u now :)!!

    p/s u look too sweet to like blood, gore and guts!! u are the archetype bloke's dream girl u know that?

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  15. FA

    I agree with every word that is in this post about 300. Absolutely beyond awesome.

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  16. gee i take it that u liked the movie :)

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  17. It was fucking A solid action! How did they manage to get so many 6-8 pack guys? Give me the uncut version. NOW.

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  18. Ok that sounded gay. But I'm not looking for the guys. Decapitation.. war.. it makes me thirsty. Plus having sex before war is always a good idealogy. If only they told that to soccer players.

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  19. So far best popcorn movie in 2007, no doubt about it.

    saw it in Sg without any censored scenes. One of the classic scene is Leonidas standing by the window butt-naked in all his "glory" staring at the moon. fucking steady.....

    of course u can do that if its ur own country.

    then there's the best bits where scenes cuts to slow motion everytime an enemy's limb is chopped off.

    rolling heads, flying torsos, severed legs....pure magic.

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  20. I guess that means you really liked it?

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  21. wow... i'm turned on now... lol :P
    sounds like a good movie to sit in front of and go braindead... to Rapidshare! :D

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  22. it gives another beautiful perspective for the phrase BULLET TIME.

    it makes KILL BILL look childish.

    yes, heavily PHOTOSHOPPED but done spectacularly, who ever cares?

    i love it 2 e core, but i wan 2 c e uncensored version, though they have been extremely generous tis time around with e scissors.

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  23. You are a fucking weird and warped woman.

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  24. watch it !!! the only thing i could not believe was the sarcasm these people in the ancient times employed, as depicted in the movie ... almost too hilarious to be true, but makes the movie all the more a watch.

    and the abs, ..... really spoil market loh.

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  25. hmmm...in-te-res-ting (this is probably an understatement) but somehow after reading your over-enthusiastic review and all the concurrance in your comments, i still don't feel motivated to go watch this movie. primarily it looks and sounds too violent for my taste, even if the art work is THAT great.. Graphic comic? sorry never a fan. So, each to his/her own.. I am looking forward to watch Mukhsin next. ;)

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  26. EastMalaysianInKLMarch 15, 2007 at 5:34 AM

    Its ok lah...a lot of slow motion blood splattering everywhere, which is quite cool, but not much seem to get onto the Spartans' body. By right they should be drenched in blood after each battle...

    One of the few movies which stayed pretty true to the novel. Surprisingly Filem Malaysia didn't censor out all the gory part. Or did they?

    Gonna buy the DVD and see what's been snipped.

    I wonder of the Persian king is really that tall or is it camera trick?

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  27. woman you went with who leh? running around with sweater around hips... run so fast couldn't even wave my hand, open my mouth to say hi, gone like the wind di.. lol

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  28. the king of Persia is a joke.

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  29. But they all fucking died in the end... :)

    Sparta ? This is Madness !!!!

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  30. "Yes...I want wealth, I want women...and... I want a UNIFORM." LOLLLLLL!!! Did you see what he got? LULZZZZZZ!!!

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  31. Mind blowing, thought provoking , breath taking . . . best part of all was it was almost entirely historically accurate . . .including some of the cheesy lines . . .'Our arrows will blot out the sun' - 'Then we will fight in the shade' . . .

    After that went to mamak . . . when a VCD peddler came by we almost threw forks at the bugger . . . ( Spartans !!! throw thy forks !!!! ) . . .

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  32. Tell me when and where you are going to tear your clothes off. ;)

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  33. dearie, you can try DL the scanned version of 300 on p2p networks to satisfy your bloodlust before getting the print copy.

    Frank Miller is fucken ace. Check out the collaboration he did with Geof Darrow, Hardboiled. FUCKEN ACE!

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  34. This is gonna be one hell of a movie...The graphic novel by good ol' Frank Miller was absolutely fantastic and the on-screen adaptation surely kicks ass in the same way!
    Here in Italy it is arrived friday,and i'll go to see it next week...Wow,i hope that the italian version won't be cut!

    "This is madness!"

    "Madness? This is SPARTAAAAA!!!!!!!!"

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  35. 300 so damn hot and nice body!! Wa, bleeding oredi my nose! Muahahha ++nice tities!

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  36. nice review, i think i should watch that movie. thx 4 the info. ;)

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  37. I watched the uncut screening at the theatre and ooooooooh the scene where leonidas makes love to his queen hits your heart/guts/groin all at once. I was like hubba hubba... take me now... drooollsss... talk about unrealistic expectations of men - all 300 of them! my guy left the theatre with a longing in his eyes to hit the gym for two more packs to make an eight. HAH now men know how we feel with perfect bikini models superimposed on displays!

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  38. Very nice movie indeed.

    One of my colleagues thought the movie will be lame coz he reads the name as "ZOO" LOL!

    Anyways, I would want to watch the uncut ones too :(

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  39. Just watched 300. Great flick. Verrry Klingon. Duty. Honour. Loyalty. Best message for our times.

    FA should be a movie critic. Hey, maybe that's the new job?

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