Saturday, June 10, 2006

The Fastest Clock In the Universe.

So one day, buried among promises of bigger penises, lonely hot housewives and xynochloropyxl for cheap, I chanced upon an email urging me to go catch a play.


The KLPAC website described the play as:

"...the absolutely MUST SEE production for this year..."

"Agonisingly funny, while at the same time frighteningly horrific, this play is sure to entertain even the most discerning theatre-goer. The one of thing you must not miss it! "

Wah. That's some superhardcore trumpet blowing. Aggressive marketing is a double edged sword. You either live up to it and be BRILLIANT or you fail spectacularly and piss everybody off.

So I caught it last Thursday. Managed to con 2 victims with sweet seductive promises of, absofuckinglutely nothing but my awesome company hahhah suckers, to catch it with me.

Was only RM30 on a Thursday, so why the hell not?

The not-so-innocent victims.

Pseudo review commences, NOW.


Cougar and Captain Tock are 2 bachelors who live together in a twisted symbiotic relationship. Cougar lives OFF Tock. Tock worships Cougar. Both gay. One is a manipulative self-serving paedophile, the other one is a spineless broken aging man with zero self-esteem. Tock loves Cougar to bits. Cougar uses Tock to bits. Cougar has MAJOR issues with aging. The men are preparing for a fake birthday party. It's an annual affair where Cougar celebrates his 19th birthday (he's 30) to lure in little boys into his lair, get them drunk on vodka, get them horny with porn mags, and have his dirty little way with them. Tonight, the special guest for this little party would be Foxtrot Darling. A brainless naive 16 year old boy.... who, much to Cougar's chagrin, brought along a surprise guest. A fiance, a PREGNANT fiance, Sherbet, who knew what was REALLY going on, attempted to put a stop to it.

The Set.

bad shot of set.

The fastest clock shared the same set designer as The Homecoming, so it looked pretty familiar. It's pretty simple-like. Designed to look like a typical old stuffy looking bachelor pad shared by 2 men. It's bleak. It's dark. It has the yellow, blue, red hues in appropriate place. Antique furnitures. Lots of dead stuff birds (Tock's obsession). Nice. I like.

What I hated was the sitting arrangements. AND THE SEATS. HARD COLd UNCOMFORTABLE PIECES OF PLASTIC PARTS PUT TOGETHER. The fact that I was short was NOT to my advantage. Kept seeing someone's head in front of me. Mahai. People who came late had to SIT ON THE STAIRCASE. WTF? Pay money to sit on the staircase. Brilliant.

You know the saddest thing about local theatres? They simply do NOT give a fuck about how comfortable or how enjoyable your play-watching experience would be. If the engineers and architects, for one moment sat and actually thought about trying to create a MORE CONDUCIVE environment for play enthusiasts during the whole PLANNING and BUILDING of a theatre, maybe there would be less BITCHINESS in the entire industry. Mahai.

National Theatre seats? Fucked. KLPAC seats? ALSO FUCKED.

I fucken need a drink. WHERE IS MY DRINK.

The Cast.


Ari Ratos as Captain Tock
At first I sympathised with the character, but as the play progress I got a little more annoyed with him. In my mind he was supposed to be this tortured soul, torn by his unrequited love to a man who abuses and uses him, not the blumbering, stuttering little boy trapped in an aging old man's body which Mr Ari played him out to be.

Niki Cheong as Foxtrot Darling
Erm. I don't like his character very much. He was unbelievably ... airheaded. Most of the time niki sounded like A Chinese Boy Trying To Speak English Like An Englishman, which gets very distracting. A little awkward and out of place, but good effort.

Joanna Bessey as Sherbert
Wah lau. Sherbet was the exact opposite of Foxtrot's character. Miss Joanna had put on a reaaaaally high-pitched HEAVY Cockney accent and portrayed Sherbet to be this shrewed fast talking fast thinking annoying fiance. I got blooody annoyed with Sherbet the whole time she was there. Couldn't understand half the things that came up of her mouth, it wasn't just the accent, it was the SPEED she was talking in. Sherbert is probably the best played character in the play. Without her, the play's dead. But oh god, every single time she went "BEBBBB!!" I cringed and held on to the side of my plastic seat till my knuckles turned white.

Gavin Yap as Cougar Glass
Had his top off baring his well-defined muscles during the first 15 minutes of the play and being the voyeur that I am, appreciated it a lot. Then he put his clothes on and instantly transformed into a piece of furniture. As stoic, cold and uncaring his character was supposed to be, I personally felt that Mr Yap could've done more with Cougar's character. It was like, there wasn't enough passion. He wasn't heartless enough. Wasn't cruel enough. Wasn't cold enough. It was too much like... acting. I didn't care much for Cougar as a character.

Faridah Merican as Cheetah Bee.
A cameo role, Cheetah Bee is a jovial quaint little old lady with a story, she coaxed and cajoled Cougar during seizure episode when Tock threatened to mention his age during a heated argument. She told a story of how mink coats were made, how it was best when the animal was skinned alive (okay seriously wtf is that about?). For the life of me I can't figure out what was the significance of her role though.

For Mature Audiences Only.

1. Gavin Yap half naked, wearing a pair of impossibly tight jeans which contricted MY breathing in the first half of the show - quite delectable. If only for 10 minutes.

2. Cougar jerking off Foxtrot while flipping thru a girl-on-girl porn mag totally distracted me away from Tock's panjang lebar cliche fairytale story (which I think was quite an important part of the play). Cleverly done. But too short and too little. Not enough scandal. Where's my sex damnit! I want more!

3. The fight between Cougar and Sherbet was the best, most believable part of the WHOLE PLAY. Finally! Some raw real emotions! Pwns WWE anytime.

Forced some random people to camwhore with me

The Play.

Personally I didn't feel passionate for any one of the characters. That night, it felt like the cast were not on form. The audience did not react quite enough. The laughters were uncomfortable and uncertain. The applause not loud and generous enough. Even after the play ended, it took the audience a few seconds to actually REALISE that it had ended, as if trying to figure out if the play sucked or not, before breaking into applause.

Got half-naked well toned man. Got gayness. Got sex. Got violence. Got child lovin' action. Got blood.


It's like a recipe for a delicious juicy scandal just waiting to come all over your face. So sinfully promising... and yet........ nothing.

I do like the storyline. Felt like so much more could've been done with the story telling. And there was a lesson in it somewhere I bet, but I must've missed it while trying to figure out which part of the play was "fucking scary" and which part was "damn fucking funny". NOw? Is it now? NOW? It has to be now. NO? Where the FUCK IS IT? Okay, so there were parts I laughed. Bits I felt for the characters, but overall? It was forgettable.

I mean how could a play with all these SHOCK factors NOT feel shocking? I'm sitting there watching it like I'm watching a freaking soap opera episode on the tv. Where's the fucking shock factor? Have I been THAT desensitised by Astro and the daily local papers?

Where are the kick ass subtle double entendres punchlines English writers are so fond of? Was it so poorly executed that I've completedly missed it? Or from the fact that me england not so veli powerderful mistah make you happee long time?

When I watch a live play, I want to feel. I want to believe that their characters are real. I want to be passionate about either hating or loving the characters, and the play itself. But that night, I came out of the play feeling....... nothing much. Not angry. Nor disturbed. Not hating it. Not liking it. Not caring. No endless steams of verbal abuse. Or songs of praises. No impact. Nothing. Just the feeling of, tak puas. "That's it?" I didn't even remember a single line from it. It was dissapointing. I was promised Avanti's Sunday brunch buffet spread at the Sunway Lagoon's Resort Hotel but ended up at the mamak with a plate of Indomee goreng kosong instead.

Smashpop's equipment is bigger than mine.


How was it really? It was Ok lah. Didn't quite lived up to all the marketing hype.

Well, go watch it for fun and tell me how YOU felt about it. Today, Sunday, is the last day.

By the way, The fastest clock in the universe, is apperently, Love.

Get me some of that good shit yo.




  1. Hey, where to subscribe for the newsletter or email ? I never get to know all this news.

  2. Oi! How can you give away the ending la. Hiyoh! Yeah I agree with your critique of the play. But it was enjoyable nevertheless and people should go watch it. You didn't understand Joanna's accent??? That's strange. It was not strong at all. I think your England learned in Malaysian sekolahx2 kebangsaan really teruk la:-) Donch angry okay? Just joking.

  3. IS, all you have to do is go to and subscribe. All the news of performing arts is there. Enjoy.

  4. IS: KLUE, Kakiseni. go for events, sign up for mailing lists.

    haha fire......i should read your post as a lesson on "how to be more tactful", i just saw what i wrote last night macam damn ganas sial. My boobs, I can give what. When you want to come over and get some?

    incidentally, i saw the 'love' ending from a mile away, which might have been a bit of an anti-climatic thing for me when the end came about.

  5. hottie you in malaymail =)

    FA: shhhh...

  6. Glad I didn't go :D

    Be abit harsher in the re-write you pussy kthx.

  7. The 'also tall' oneJune 12, 2006 at 4:29 AM

    YAaaa!!! Totally agree with your review!

  8. You people actually spend money and waste time on these kind of 'entertainment' ?

    Man, get a real hobby lah.

  9. if the fastest clock in the universe is love, wouldn't that mean the fountain of youth is hate?


    also, why the hell would a gay man try to jerk off another guy with lesbian porn instead of gay porn??

    ohwait. the other guy is straight hor. ah well, glad i didn't go, exceptforthepartwherepetrinahasherhandsalloveryoumacibai.

  10. foxtrot darling wouldnt get a hard-on if cougar showed him a gay porn mag

    so gay gay sekalian... carry a straight/lesbian mag with you if u plan to wank a straight guy ok?

    bagabagabgaab... cya

  11. i'll watch the worldcup kthxbai

  12. yea.. agree wif ur review.

    totally not enuf scandal la..
    i want more action! but gavin's half torso caught my eyes straight on!


  13. Wow. Lots of ppl give the thumbs up. maybe i should go and watch too?

  14. suanie told me about the newspaper feature. congrats. nice..

    FA: nice? hahaha. thanks. ur sweet.

  15. What they put online will brow your engrish out of the water... Malay Mail -.-"

  16. btw, if the play was meant for mature audiences, how come they let you in?


    FA: Well, even after looking at your IC they won't even sell YOU the tickets. :)

  17. sweet, felt like living under the fastest clock after having drugs. relativity rocks.

  18. just dropping by to say hi :) Been reading your blog for awhile, and I can't help but think you look super familiar. may i just ask, which high school did you go to??

    FA: I refuse to answer this question point blank. But if you have too much spare time, go look for one of the memes I did previously, it should give you a clue as BIG AS A SMALL UNIVERSE.

  19. Thanks Patrick.
    Thanks Lainie.

    Between, subscribing the newsletter is halfway done but mind I join you all? I don't have this group of kaki here.

    Eh, how come so many Malay mail readers here, huh? I thought The Star has the highest number of readers. By the way, what is FA doing in Malay Mail? Is there any link for me to check it out? Poor me, I'm so left out here.

    FA: What are you talking about? NOthing happened.

  20. IS: can also send noblacktie AT an email and ask to be put on the mailing list. hah, go ahead and join, my itinerary is mostly posted up on my blog anyway.

  21. Fastest Clock in the Universe

    What could a title like "Fastest Clock in the Universe" convey visually in a play? As a TV director, I was already envisioning Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind-like visual effects. I admit I hadn't been up to date...

  22. I thought that you had a typo and that you meant to spell "The fastest cock in the universe." Halfway through your posting, I realized that it was not about some speedy penis. Damn! Damn! Damn!
    Read the MM article. Hey, you are femes!

    FA: Shh. That NEVER happened.

  23. viewtru: fast cocks... don't sound very good.

  24. I like how your review was very constructive.

    Er, okay what the seats. I'd think, the slimmer one's butt is, the more comfortable seats are in general? I don't like 1 Utama GSC's seats, with their neckrests they crane our short heads forward.

    I didn't think her accent was all that thick. Or maybe I watched a bit too much The Nanny and Frasier.

    FA: well not everyone is lucky enough to not have a butt.

  25. "FA: Well, even after looking at your IC they won̢۪t even sell YOU the tickets."

    hahaha.. did i mention that Cheneille was the ONLY one who kena check IC when we went to KL that night? ahahahahahahahaha...

  26. [...] So it chanced upon me when Fireangel of the wrote about a play called The Fastest Clock In The Universe, and guess what, ONE OF ITS CHARACTER IS NAMED CAPTAIN TOCK!! I mean, I call this a breach of copyright! Boo sama Malaysian theatre productions, who never did notify our family before plugging in our exotic surname [...]

  27. Well I don't quite agree with you. I found your blog when googling Fastest Clock in the Universe as it has a couple of nominations in the Boh Cameronian Awards. I seen a number of plays and that's one of the plays I like best. But then again, I saw it on the last night which I was told was their best performance. So which is the best play you've seen?


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