Wednesday, April 23, 2008

A Letter To My Favourite Kungfu Actor Of All Time

Dear Mr. Jet Li,

Hello! How are you? First of all, I’d like to say that I’m a HUGE fan. Been a fan since the first movie I saw you in, I think that was Once Upon a Time in China, and have fallen head over heels ever since. I even wanted to learn kungfu because of you! I've watched Once Upon a Time in China (1,2,3,6), Last Hero in China, Fong Sai Yuk 1 & 2, Tai Chi Master, Swordsman, Bodyguard from Beijing, My Father Is a Hero… loved it loved it! The way you kick so much ass without even breaking a sweat just takes my breath away. And that look you always have - the sullen, serious, unsmiling, intense, one-look-can-kill-you face when you kick ass. Wah, seriously can die. Well, eventhough Blackmask and Dr Wai wasn’t so great I let it slide and still taught you were one of the best things that ever came into my life after Nutella. I loved you so much back then I used to cut out all your big movie ads from the papers and kept them, just so that I could feel closer to you. On retrospect it sounds a little psychotic but hey I was young and delusional what can I say?

Then you started to venture into Hollywood. I thought hey why not. If he can make it so big in China, I’m sure America can’t be that hard. If Bruce Lee can so can he. If Jackie Chan can so can he. He’s cuter than Bruce, less annoying than Jackie, and definitely more ass-kicking than both of them combined because he uses REAL Shoalin kungfu! How can he not make it?

I remembered your debut English film. Lethal Weapon 4. I was so excited! Lethal Weapon 4 wasn’t too bad at all, watching the 2 out of touch middle-aged cops who’ve been through one too many gun-fights and getting rather sick of all the action taking cheap shots at each other was hilarious. I thought you were excellent as the stereotypical Chinese gangster. I was however, quite upset that you were only given about 10 minutes of face time in the movie, and that Mel Gibson killed you off too easily and quickly – HAH as if he could in real life, them stupid gwai lohs are so unbelievably full of themselves man.

I suppose Lethal Weapon 4 was enough publicity for you to open the floodgates to so many of your other English movies.

Romeo Must Die
Kiss of the Dragon
The One
Cradle 2 the Grave
Rise to Honor

It breaks my heart to say this to you, my childhood idol, my hero. But I really didn't like all of them (watched at least 4 of them and saw the trailers for the rest). At most they were B grade movies. Sure there were big stars in them. Sure your English was so much better than Jackie Chan’s. But the plots were so lame. The acting so wooden. The script wasn't too great. Your Chinese emotionless made-of-steel “yau yeng” face looked wrong in them. And seriously, white people just don’t have the slightest clue on how to showcase your kungfu prowess effectively in all its ass-kicking glory. It’s as if they were mocking you. And by mocking you they were mocking us, your fans. And I hated that it felt like you were merely their puppet to fuck around with while they poke fun of your awesome kungfu skills. WHY DO YOU KEEP LETTING THEM DO THIS TO YOU? WHY?

Then you had to go act in a weird artsy pretty-looking kungfu movie – Hero, and that idiot director had you walking on water, and flying about like some clown, which I for the life of me, just couldn't accept. Huo Yuan Jia felt too self-indulgent and I didn’t really like that either. But at least you made it up for all of that in The Warlords, which also happens to be one of my favourite movies of 2007. But I felt that it still wasn’t quite you.

It makes me feel very sad that I actually cringe at the thought of your new movies now. “oh no, how bad is the next movie going to suck”. You and Chow Yun Fatt both were excellent Chinese actors given awful shitty roles with lousy cheesy scripts in English movies. Jackie Chan gets away with that because he HAS been playing awful shitty roles with lousy cheesy scripts in Chinese. But no, not you Jet Li. Not Chow Yun Fatt. Please, please I pray you, stop selling yourselves short it’s really too painful for me to watch anymore.

Then one day, as I was loitering around the shopping mall and I saw this GINORMOUS POSTER.


THE FORBIDDEN KINGDOM! OMG IT IS SO BEAUTIFUL! MY PRAYERS WERE ANSWERED. JET LI! JACKIE CHAN (bleah)! FLYING-KICKING! OMG! TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE! IT’S GOING TO BE AWESOME I CAN’T WAIT TO WATCH IT CAN’T WAIT CAN’T WAIT. Eventhough I am NO fan of Jackie but OMG JET LI you’re doing another wuxia film I can’t believe it it’s really going to be so awesome CAN DIE!!!!

Then I saw your TRAILER!!!! I nearly pissed my pants and squealed in girly delight when I saw your face... your name... you kungfuing with Jackie Chan and… WTF!!!?!?!?!?!?!?


IT’S IN ENGLISH?!@?!?!!?!?


ENGLISH!!!!!!!!!111111111noe. WTF!!!!!!!!!!


Dear Mr. Jet Li,

I can't even begin to describe the wave of emotions I'm feeling right now. It's like you grabbed my heart out from my ribcage with your bare hands and then tore it to pieces, laughing maniacally at me for being such a fool. I feel like wanting to kill myself just thinking about it. I'm so depressed, so broken. I just want to hide in a dark lonely corner and cry. I don't know what to make of it. This... thing. This... movie. Do I really want to watch this with that horrible sinking gut feeling that it WILL SUCK? Please say something, anything to make me want to watch this thing.

Still your very loyal but heart-broken fan,


  1. At least he does some proper fighting in this movie, especially with Jackie Chan.

    But then, that five minute fight was the only watchable five minutes of the ENTIRE movie.

  2. i was been told that the disappointment is inevitable.

    u were right.but I beg to differ. The Warlords is altogether much more better in his recent films. especially the character he is portraying.

    FA: Not quite sure what you're trying to say but I liked Warlords also mar...

  3. Watched it with WL opening night. I actually enjoyed it. Nice to see all the old kung fu coming back. Just watch it for the kung fu and nothing else. It's just 90 minutes anyway.

  4. yes. other than the effects and jetli fighting with jackiechan for 5mins and most importantly, the saver of our souls, liu yifei, the movie is disappointing.

  5. Thoroughly enjoyed that 5 minute ass kicking scene with Jackie Chan in that abandoned temple. The rest ... bleh. The part where the Jade Emperor spoke in English ... literally made me ROFL. :P

  6. Hollywood movie = Good paid.
    Hollywood movie = US market = big market = Good $$$$$

    The rest not important ;)

  7. Jet Li performance as mOnkey king is highlight of the movie other than the fight between him and Jackie.

  8. it made a shitload of money during its opening weekend in the US. THATS why the film was in english.

  9. lol, like that no need to go cinema le.. =) just watch in yuotube for the 5 mins fighting scene.. *blink*

  10. Dear FA,

    Been a fan of yours for years. You might not remember, but we did actually met once in KL. Anyway, glad to see your great furry creature crushing moves are still prevalent. The new added move of stomping on America is also great as they need it but this eating rainbows thing is a bit hard to take though. Obviously it has been done using CGI as it's not possible to eat rainbows in real life. I never thought you'd allow your furry creature chomping skills to be undermined by such cheap computer trickery.

    Yours sincerely your very loyal but heart-broken fan,


  11. He won the Best Actor award for The Warlords in Hong Kong Film Awards recently. That's acting.

    I got Forbidden Kingdom poster, do you want it :P

  12. the poster they gave out during the screening is not original. cheapskates. :(

  13. Totally agree with your views. Jet Li is obviously trying too hard to suck up to the Westerners nowadays, forgetting the real "him" in the process. Isn't it ironic that he once tried so hard to stand up to the Westerners in the movie "Once Upon a Time in China" (Which propelled him to fame)? I have given up on his movies now, cause they are not worth watching and mostly lame ones. Will he ever come to his senses?

  14. im sorry to tell you the movie is a huge letdown, at least in my opinion. they should really just do it in chinese once and for all.

  15. I miss my Wong Fei Hung Jet Li.

  16. At least they got his hair right. :)

  17. Hi, all. Never ask WTF? Either go to get a ticket or I will kick your ass.

  18. You did not include Fist of Legend in your list of Jet Li movies you've watched.

    True fan U R NOT!!!11

  19. what i hate about the movie is how they say the lines as if they are readin it out of a book! come on...have them talk in chinese and subtitle it you americans!!!!!!!!

    anyway, i'm feeling the same way as you. jet li should not be made their clown and act those lousy characters.

  20. Don't bother watching..i just can't accept they're toking in English in china, that zaman summore...

    And their conversation/lines/dialog in english will make you pengsan for sure.

    Download can oledi.....

  21. Get real.

    Jet Li admitted himself that he made all those hollywood movies for money. If he were to go for an award, he'd better stay being a wushu master instead of being an actor. It was very well documented in Sin Chiew Jit Poh a week back on a joint interview with Jackie Chan.

    And he would not even need to take the heart out of the rib cage to crush it.

  22. If you all wanna check out real kungfu in action, go see movies by Lau Kar Leung. Serious kung fu stuff there.

    Jet Li was pretty good in his earlier films such as Shaolin Temple, North South Shaolin etc. right up to Tai CHi MAster. Thereafter, not only Jet li...but the whole kungfu movie has gone down the drain.

    Forbidden kingdom sucks big time. Any movie with Jackie Chan.....SUCKS BIG TIME !


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