Thursday, September 13, 2007

Answering The Question.

It's that point of time where every blogger in their blogging life would have to sit down and seriously ponder over the one question which affects life, the universe and everything.

Why do I blog?

On Fireangel.tblog
In 2004, when blogging was still fairly unheard of in this part of the planet, I blogged at fireangel.tblog. Back then I was anonymous, and pretty damn anal about keeping my anonymity. It was a place where I could rant without prejudice, pour out my personal thoughts without care, share with the cyberworld my personal life without worries. It was easy then. I was under the belief that hiding behind a pseudonym gave me this superpower to be just another faceless, nameless "today I ate cereal and hated the world" blogger.

Thanks to tblog I made friends. Got to realise that hey not everybody you meet online are psychokillers just waiting to rape and kill you and your pet. Thanks to blogging, I've met some pretty colourful personalities, met and forged awesome friendships.

Back then I had just about oh.. no readers? So everytime when there was ONE comment I'd go all batshit crazy insane ZOMG I HAVE A COMMENT?!?!? PEOPLE ACKNOWLEDGE MY EXISTANCE!!!??!??! But hits didn't really matter. It's just a personal online (hahaha spot the oxymoron) journal mar. But for some odd reason, it got little bit more popular after awhile. I blame this on my fellow blogging friends who linked to my blog. So what happens? Links = hits = exposure.

Exposure is a double edged sword. Sure if makes you feel good "ZOMG I HAVE LIKE 35 READERS I AM GREAT", BUT unfortunately this means that you are also more exposed to the masses - you're not so anonymous anymore. Random readers who read you might know you, but you do NOT know who they are, and what are their intentions.

People were beginning to discover who the mastermind behind fireangel.tblog was. My secret identity was no longer secret. Friends who knew me in real life were reading me. Friends of friends of friends in real life were reading me. People's parents reading me. Their dog... their dog's mother. All that's flattering. But people whom I didn't want reading my blog were reading me too. That, I didn't like.

I didn't like that I had to censor and control myself. I mean, I was already doing that in real life, if I was going to do this on my not-so-anonymous blog then really, WHAT'S THE POINT OF GOING ON ANYMORE? Blogging was supposed to be an OUTLET for me! Not a fucking EXTENSION of my pathetic real life!

Must've blogged at tblog for over a year before the paranoia hit me and I felt like it was best for me to KILL IT. And kill it I did. For good I thought it was. I thought I've had it with blogging. But I was so wrong - because I'm just this ANGRY person, I really needed a place to rant. To unwind. To let it all out. What I really felt. Or thought. It was barely a couple of months before... OH HERRO fuckstress.blogspot

On Fuckstress.blogspot
Fucktress.blogspot would be the spawn of fireangel.tblog. I thought I was being clever yeah. Changed the name. Changed hosting. told nobody except close blogging friends who knew my real identity. All was dandy and sunflowers and I blogged status quo. Ranted. Raved. It was personal and honest again. No holds barred. No worries. I was anonymous again yeay! I could write any damn thing I want and everybody (save the few of them) would be none the wiser!

Then came the PPS first anniversary party..... sigh. The camwhore in me came out and there were pictures of me everywhere and once again my anonymity was gradually compromised. Friends found my blog. Friends of friends of friends found my blog. People's parents. Their dog.... their dog's mothers....whoah! Dejavu!

I was careless. I forgot that I had wanted to remain anonymous.

The hits came lah. Hundreds of them. Pretty good I thought, for a blog with the language command of a feral animal and with the grossly lacking (zero) of "camwhoring i am so kawaii" photos.

I was flattered and at the same time, gradually becoming more paranoid AGAIN - with good reason too. I found out that people I didn't want reading my blog whom I knew in real life were lurking around my blog (AGAIN) - AND reacting to my posts. Who knows what the hell were they trying to do, or achieve.

So after 2 years, fuckstress.blogspot had to DIE!11111111one.... but not just before the birth of fireangelism.com

On Fireangelism.com
I intended for fireangelism.com to be UNLIKE my other 2 blogs. I realised that for some odd reason, if you blog long enough, traffic will come. Hey it happened on both of the other blogs, didn't it? Plain looking blogs with nothing but random words splattered around. And still the people came. WHAT FOOLS!!!!!! AHAAHAHAHAHHAHA! koff

So I made up my mind NOT to be anonymous with this one, and because I won't be anonymous, I would put up this shameless, drunkard, camwhoring, shallow persona (The real me is all that and more!) who writes mostly about frivolous things like drinking, baby eating and other like fun things. I would cut down on raw, thoughtful personal writings (aka rants & raves). I wouldn't write about my real life openly or in detail for all to read and judge. I gave into shameless camwhoring and with open arms because THIS IS MY TRUE CALLING!!!111one

And BECAUSE of my shameless pictures everywhere, people recognise me. Once in a blue moon along the street, makan places, at the gym, while partying, random people have been known to come up to me and asked if I was Fireangel or FA and then pelt me with rotten brinjals for all the trauma and sleepless nights this blog have caused them, or something like that. Hell, I even get that at work, which is very unnerving - because it kinds of kills some of my professionalism edge. (In my ex-job, my managers found out about my blog via that awful malaymail article. They'll even ask "WHY NO UPDATE?" -_-) But that's the price I pay for my stubborn idiocy of keeping a shameless blog, and it's a price I'm still willing to pay, for now.

(folks, please, I implore you, if you ever see me at work or with my colleagues at lunch time or whatever do not, I repeat please do NOT yell out shit like ZOMG YOU ARE FA OR FIREANGELISM.COM I KNOW YOUR WEBSITE because I swear to you, me and my team of elite kitten-eating-ninjas will NEVER rest until we find you, your family and your dog and when I am done with you bygod you'll wish that durians and watermelons never existed)

It still scares me, when I wonder who might be reading my website, and what people might think of me, what they might do with all these information and fugly shameless pictures on my website. Then I down a glass of long island ice tea, which kills that little naggy voice in my head. I'll remind myself that I will NOT give 2 fucks what random people think of me because hey, in this infinite black space we call the universe, strangers are nothing but insignificant specks of dust to me, and dust does not bother me. Unless you go up my nose and irritate my sinuses where I'll have to blow you out with furious anger into a tissue and throw you into the trashcan where you shall await your doomed future of forever lying in wasteland of stinky garbage where you will then finally disintegrate into nothingness. But all that being said, you, my dear reader, are important to the existence of this blog. It's just what you think of me I don't care about. :)

One thing I don't understand is how readers overestimate my hits. In the prime of fireangelism.com there were only 700 unique hits daily.. sometimes there's the kennysia effect and the hits go up to 2k a day (thanks to trolls). But now hits have dropped to about 400, thanks to my lack of updates and shameless self portraits. So if anybody told you I get THOUSANDS OF hits, they are LYING or must've somehow mistaken me for Kennysia, and I shall be insulted, because, even though I'm not the hottest chick in town, I AM DEFINITELY CUTER THAN KENNY, and I shall be VERY, VERY ANGRY and bygod I swear to you, me and my team of elite kitten-eating-ninjas will NEVER rest until we find you ... etcetcetc.

Well, I don't mind too much how measly my hits are. Because first and foremost, I don't REALLY blog for hits.

So, why do I blog?

Well, in spite of the bad experience, the dropping hits, the lack of time and energy, the not being able to update it frequently, the trolls, the stupid pr0n spams, the people who secretly fantasise about killing me to ENDITALL - I like it. And I will keep doing it just because it's fun, and that's what we all need more of - fun. I believe that this blog, Mr. Stan Lee, is how I'm going to use my mutant power of being frightening PLAIN, to make a difference, for you and for me and the entire human race. There are people dying, so if we care enough for the living, we'll make it a better place, for you and for me. You and for me. You and for me.

:P

42 comments:

  1. fuckstress will always have a special place in my heart.

    OHAI, WE BE HEARTING YOU RONG TIME!!

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  2. i like the durian and watermelon reference

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  3. this post makes up for all the long absence and no updates!

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  4. wow... a blogpost!! FINALLY

    ask you something.. why do u blog anyway?

    FA: I REPLIED AT THE END WHAT!

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  5. Why does this website invite all the crazies? (Dabido excluded, he's fun).

    FA:... like you? Which (camwhoring girl) blog doesn't, really.

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  6. quite an interesting evolution. and yea... i really do think you have thousans of hits per day.

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  7. Le Fuckstress is dead. Long live Le Fireangel.

    Hey, didn't I turn you into a vodka-fueled fire-spitting superhero with wings once? :D

    FA: link your story here lah. ;)

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  8. So when is your next gummy bear salvation post?

    FA: something similar coming up soon promise.

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  9. Michael Jackson? :S

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  10. Once heard that there's one reader of ur fuckstress disbelief when she knew that fuckstress = fireangel = YOU.

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  11. 'not everybody you meet online are psychokillers just waiting to rape and kill you and your pet.'

    Don't worry, I don't like rape and your pet is safe. BUT, are your readers safe from you? :-)

    'So what happens? Links = hits = exposure.'

    Hmmm ... I better stay away from the 'please expose yourself more' joke, least I be beaten to death by my laptop!

    'My secret identity was no longer secret.'

    Don't worry Superman, your secret identity is safe with me! :-)

    'people whom I didn’t want reading my blog were reading me too.'

    You think I'd get the hint!!! :-)

    'I’m just this ANGRY person,'

    Fireangel is an anagram for 'I Angry Elf'! :-)

    'The camwhore in me came out and there were pictures of me everywhere'

    And there was much rejoicing and feasting! :-)

    'shallow persona (The real me is all that and more!)'

    So, you are shallow ... and have depth! :-S

    'It still scares me, when I wonder who might be reading my website'

    Well, I certainly took the wonder out of that! :-)

    'Unless you go up my nose and irritate my sinuses where I’ll have to blow you'

    Hmmm ... I think I took that out of context ... but, glad to know I have some effect. :-)

    'the hits go up to 2k a day (thanks to trolls)'

    I don't come here that often! :-)

    'if we care enough for the living, we’ll make it a better place'

    Which is why I try to make everyone laugh ... *wipes tear from left eye* :-)

    Youngfuk - I didn't realise I was included till you excluded me! :-) But thnx for the exclusion! :-)
    FA ignores everything I say anyway, so she might not know who you were talking about! :-)
    Either that or she hides her pure love for me behind a veil of loathing and hatred ... but we know the truth! :-)

    FA: Haiyah. I don't hate you. Your comments are too long for me to read lah!!

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  12. love you, watermelon, durian and all other instrumental fruits. So... when do we start training?

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  13. well, there are pros and cons of being a successful blogger. I have already seen you a few times in town, the last time in desa sri hartamas a couple of days ago, but it would have freaked you out for me to come up and say 'hi, I like your blog'. anyway, keep up the good work. cheers =)

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  14. I used to like that blog too.

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  15. this is probably the wordiest post you ever put up.

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  16. YOU were much more interesting when u have no photos.. I enjoyed it.. alot back when u were FUCKSTRESS. seeing u in photo was a bonus, seeing in person was kawaii. So yea I was interetsed in your no holds barred way of blogging back then, and yes now's a bit.. erm.. staged. Oh well u camwhore some u lose some. i think its a path each blogger will take as they blog long enuff, but not for readers like me.. muahahhahahaha I am anonymous! or so I think...

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  17. it's strange though, i've been a follower of fuckstress.blogspot for years but didn't know it was you until I came across this post...btw i love all the working rants on fuckstress and so as FA! Do update more if you have the time :)

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  18. Hey FA,
    We all have our ups and downs but there are those who are still with you till now show that they are still your minions to command.

    This is one of the rare true feelings of confession that FA have made here. Hail FA!

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  19. The fact that you answered that long comment of mine proves that you do in fact read them. :-)
    Which goes to prove my point that you're secretly madly in love with me ... okay, now I really am acting like one of those crazy ppl we want to avoid ... but, at least we know I'm only joe king.

    But, not all my comments are long ...
    [Hmmm, wonder if I can expect two miracles on this post] :-)

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  20. This is very much like a Zen koan. Only much much longer. I'm glad, though, that you succumbed to your inner camwhore self.

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  21. I still can't get past the thought that you probably hold some sort of record for most number of hits and comments on a post about bleeding gummi bears.

    LOL

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  22. I didn't want to believe. Yongfook kind of revealed the connection between FA and Fuckstress on a podcast, but I didn't want to believe. I was certain that you were two different people. Firstly, I didn't think anybody had time to write more than one blog. Secondly, you're writing was different on each site, not just on topic but on style. I honestly thought that FA and Fuckstress were totally different people, and even asked Dabido what had happened to Fuckstress after the site turned into porn. He played coy. I really liked reading Fuckstress, it helped me with my own work-related anger.

    FA: yeah he did, didn't he? Even after I begged him to edit that part out, that teabagging skank. I'm still sore about that, you know.

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  23. Dax - well, I didn't want to give away FA's secret identity. I knew she wanted to keep the two personalities as separate as possible, which is why I didn't give any straight answer when people questioned me. But, I guess all is revealed now, so no point me playing coy any more. :-)

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  24. thousands of hits... can be per week or per month ma. :P

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  25. Keep up the good work? :) Its entertaining reading - but I guess in the end, the point is that you enjoy presenting it. Cheers.

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  26. you're fuckstress? I missed her sooooOOOOOoo much. :D

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  27. i read your blog cos girls who swears! rocks the world!

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  28. Goddamn bloody best post I have read this year. Fuckstress used to rock my socks too.

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  29. oh my god FA...tblog.. i totally forgot about that! and that was where suan found you too, when she temporary blogged at tblog when her new website was getting done.. *sigh* memories instead...!!!oh my god.. fuckstress!!! it was VERY pink that website i remember.. tskstktsk...oh my god.. we HAVE come a long way! hhahahaha

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  30. hey, interesting post. ironic that i am reading this especially after last saturday =).

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  31. i read halfway and almost pengsan. you writing phd dissertation or what? gimme the old RANTYELLSCREAMKICKPUPPIES blog back. Will not read any more selangor pewter happyfuncuddlebabies posts.

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  32. cool!!! =) i discovered fuckstress by random and also fireangelism.. the style of writing is a bit different (since fuckstress is all about ranting and profanity..hehe) but the resemblance is there..u manage to inject ur posts with humour so i like to read! =) =)

    but tak sangka u own both the blogs! =)

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  33. OMG!!! u're FUCKSTRESS!!!!

    I MISS THAT SITE SOOOOO MUCH!!! I LOVE LOVE LOVED IT TO BITS AND TINY LITTLE WEEEEDLE PIECES!!!

    Not that this fireangel one isn't cool. But.

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  34. Expletives are required.

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  35. WAH. SO MUCH WRITING AT LAST!

    So nice to read. hehehehe...

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  36. FA FA :) well I dare say I learnt a thing or two from this post of yours. for that matter i never read those prior blogs .... and i always mistook fireangel for angelfire free hostings :)

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  37. i really cannot believe that fireangel and fucktress are the same person. Anyway I enjoyed reading fucktress cos she was more fun whereas fireangel just keep showing usphotos and there is nothing much else to read.

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  38. so where you hiding your current raverantstress blog?

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  39. hye there n well done bcoz u manage 2 flushing away the stress in a different way.actually i know ur blogspot when i read the latest pc.com magazine.so i visit ur site.can i ask sumthing?wat the exact meaning of "fireangelism" ?

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