It's that point of time where every blogger in their blogging life would have to sit down and seriously ponder over the one question which affects life, the universe and everything.
Why do I blog?
In 2004, when blogging was still fairly unheard of in this part of the planet, I blogged at fireangel.tblog. Back then I was anonymous, and pretty damn anal about keeping my anonymity. It was a place where I could rant without prejudice, pour out my personal thoughts without care, share with the cyberworld my personal life without worries. It was easy then. I was under the belief that hiding behind a pseudonym gave me this superpower to be just another faceless, nameless "today I ate cereal and hated the world" blogger.
Thanks to tblog I made friends. Got to realise that hey not everybody you meet online are psychokillers just waiting to rape and kill you and your pet. Thanks to blogging, I've met some pretty colourful personalities, met and forged awesome friendships.
Back then I had just about oh.. no readers? So everytime when there was ONE comment I'd go all batshit crazy insane ZOMG I HAVE A COMMENT?!?!? PEOPLE ACKNOWLEDGE MY EXISTANCE!!!??!??! But hits didn't really matter. It's just a personal online (hahaha spot the oxymoron) journal mar. But for some odd reason, it got little bit more popular after awhile. I blame this on my fellow blogging friends who linked to my blog. So what happens? Links = hits = exposure.
Exposure is a double edged sword. Sure if makes you feel good "ZOMG I HAVE LIKE 35 READERS I AM GREAT", BUT unfortunately this means that you are also more exposed to the masses - you're not so anonymous anymore. Random readers who read you might know you, but you do NOT know who they are, and what are their intentions.
People were beginning to discover who the mastermind behind fireangel.tblog was. My secret identity was no longer secret. Friends who knew me in real life were reading me. Friends of friends of friends in real life were reading me. People's parents reading me. Their dog... their dog's mother. All that's flattering. But people whom I didn't want reading my blog were reading me too. That, I didn't like.
I didn't like that I had to censor and control myself. I mean, I was already doing that in real life, if I was going to do this on my not-so-anonymous blog then really, WHAT'S THE POINT OF GOING ON ANYMORE? Blogging was supposed to be an OUTLET for me! Not a fucking EXTENSION of my pathetic real life!
Must've blogged at tblog for over a year before the paranoia hit me and I felt like it was best for me to KILL IT. And kill it I did. For good I thought it was. I thought I've had it with blogging. But I was so wrong - because I'm just this ANGRY person, I really needed a place to rant. To unwind. To let it all out. What I really felt. Or thought. It was barely a couple of months before... OH HERRO fuckstress.blogspot
Fucktress.blogspot would be the spawn of fireangel.tblog. I thought I was being clever yeah. Changed the name. Changed hosting. told nobody except close blogging friends who knew my real identity. All was dandy and sunflowers and I blogged status quo. Ranted. Raved. It was personal and honest again. No holds barred. No worries. I was anonymous again yeay! I could write any damn thing I want and everybody (save the few of them) would be none the wiser!
Then came the PPS first anniversary party..... sigh. The camwhore in me came out and there were pictures of me everywhere and once again my anonymity was gradually compromised. Friends found my blog. Friends of friends of friends found my blog. People's parents. Their dog.... their dog's mothers....whoah! Dejavu!
I was careless. I forgot that I had wanted to remain anonymous.
The hits came lah. Hundreds of them. Pretty good I thought, for a blog with the language command of a feral animal and with the grossly lacking (zero) of "camwhoring i am so kawaii" photos.
I was flattered and at the same time, gradually becoming more paranoid AGAIN - with good reason too. I found out that people I didn't want reading my blog whom I knew in real life were lurking around my blog (AGAIN) - AND reacting to my posts. Who knows what the hell were they trying to do, or achieve.
So after 2 years, fuckstress.blogspot had to DIE!11111111one.... but not just before the birth of fireangelism.com
I intended for fireangelism.com to be UNLIKE my other 2 blogs. I realised that for some odd reason, if you blog long enough, traffic will come. Hey it happened on both of the other blogs, didn't it? Plain looking blogs with nothing but random words splattered around. And still the people came. WHAT FOOLS!!!!!! AHAAHAHAHAHHAHA! koff
So I made up my mind NOT to be anonymous with this one, and because I won't be anonymous, I would put up this shameless, drunkard, camwhoring, shallow persona (The real me is all that and more!) who writes mostly about frivolous things like drinking, baby eating and other like fun things. I would cut down on raw, thoughtful personal writings (aka rants & raves). I wouldn't write about my real life openly or in detail for all to read and judge. I gave into shameless camwhoring and with open arms because THIS IS MY TRUE CALLING!!!111one
And BECAUSE of my shameless pictures everywhere, people recognise me. Once in a blue moon along the street, makan places, at the gym, while partying, random people have been known to come up to me and asked if I was Fireangel or FA and then pelt me with rotten brinjals for all the trauma and sleepless nights this blog have caused them, or something like that. Hell, I even get that at work, which is very unnerving - because it kinds of kills some of my professionalism edge. (In my ex-job, my managers found out about my blog via that awful malaymail article. They'll even ask "WHY NO UPDATE?" -_-) But that's the price I pay for my stubborn idiocy of keeping a shameless blog, and it's a price I'm still willing to pay, for now.
(folks, please, I implore you, if you ever see me at work or with my colleagues at lunch time or whatever do not, I repeat please do NOT yell out shit like ZOMG YOU ARE FA OR FIREANGELISM.COM I KNOW YOUR WEBSITE because I swear to you, me and my team of elite kitten-eating-ninjas will NEVER rest until we find you, your family and your dog and when I am done with you bygod you'll wish that durians and watermelons never existed)
It still scares me, when I wonder who might be reading my website, and what people might think of me, what they might do with all these information and fugly shameless pictures on my website. Then I down a glass of long island ice tea, which kills that little naggy voice in my head. I'll remind myself that I will NOT give 2 fucks what random people think of me because hey, in this infinite black space we call the universe, strangers are nothing but insignificant specks of dust to me, and dust does not bother me. Unless you go up my nose and irritate my sinuses where I'll have to blow you out with furious anger into a tissue and throw you into the trashcan where you shall await your doomed future of forever lying in wasteland of stinky garbage where you will then finally disintegrate into nothingness. But all that being said, you, my dear reader, are important to the existence of this blog. It's just what you think of me I don't care about. :)
One thing I don't understand is how readers overestimate my hits. In the prime of fireangelism.com there were only 700 unique hits daily.. sometimes there's the kennysia effect and the hits go up to 2k a day (thanks to trolls). But now hits have dropped to about 400, thanks to my lack of updates and shameless self portraits. So if anybody told you I get THOUSANDS OF hits, they are LYING or must've somehow mistaken me for Kennysia, and I shall be insulted, because, even though I'm not the hottest chick in town, I AM DEFINITELY CUTER THAN KENNY, and I shall be VERY, VERY ANGRY and bygod I swear to you, me and my team of elite kitten-eating-ninjas will NEVER rest until we find you ... etcetcetc.
Well, I don't mind too much how measly my hits are. Because first and foremost, I don't REALLY blog for hits.
So, why do I blog?
Well, in spite of the bad experience, the dropping hits, the lack of time and energy, the not being able to update it frequently, the trolls, the stupid pr0n spams, the people who secretly fantasise about killing me to ENDITALL - I like it. And I will keep doing it just because it's fun, and that's what we all need more of - fun. I believe that this blog, Mr. Stan Lee, is how I'm going to use my mutant power of being frightening PLAIN, to make a difference, for you and for me and the entire human race. There are people dying, so if we care enough for the living, we'll make it a better place, for you and for me. You and for me. You and for me.