Saturday, January 9, 2010

A One Third Life Crisis In a Pear Tree.

Blooooody hell. Last night I had the biggest urge to blog and rant while I was high but NO! Cannot! Blog had to be down. Must be a sign from Allah. Oops. I mean. God.

Happy new year all! :D

It feels weird being able to BE at home for such a long period of time. These past 3 week marks the longest stay I've had in Malaysia over the past year. When I was away for work it was mostly me, the four walls, cable tv, booze and the laptop. It was fun at first since it has been quite awhile since I have lived "alone". Not having to layan anyone but myself. Do whatever I want, whenever I want to. But the novelty and the sense of adventure wore off after 6 months and routine kicked in. Most of the time, there was so much work to do that I end up leaving the office late, only to continue with work at home with beer in hand - because there was just nothing else to do and nowhere else to go, without having to go through the trouble of wrestling my way out of a sea of people who have nothing else to do and nowhere else to go. The only things that kept my sanity in check were my friends, and well, would you like the guess the other thing? No prizes.

Last year will also be remembered as the year I drank the most beer in my entire life. *looks at belly*

Getting flabby now. Should start hitting the gym already. Not to lose weight, but just to get back that sense of fitness. Not getting younger. Even my mum's muscles are more toned than mine and she can carry more weights than me. A bit shameful lah, that's all I'm saying.

Okay. So now I'm back for good, I'm like a lost puppy.

WHAT THE HELL DO I DO?

I am so out of touch with everything it's not funny. Apperantly too many things have happened over the year. I'm out of touch with this community, my local friends, technology, hell I'm even out of touch with myself.

One really weird thing now is that I find it out that all my friends from this community are SO hooked up that every time they say/do/go/taste/smell/laugh/touch/see they update it on twitter first before anything else. -_- This phenomenon is really going to take a lot of getting used to.

So, I guess this year will the year where I jump start my own life. Get ME sorted out. Get up to speed with everything and as fast as possible.

Which brings me to something very dear to my heart.

One Third Life Crisis.

Look, it's not fair that 20 year olds and 40/50 year olds with a life/identity crisis get to have an official name for what they are going through. Sure, One Third is not as catchy as Quarter or Half, and will probably never catch on, but hey, 30 year olds with a life/identity crisis have rights just like any 20/40/50 with a life/identity crisis do and it therefore deserves a real name damnit.

I'm turning 30 this year. Oh my god (which just in case you didnt know when translated to BM means: Ya allah tuhanku).

The big Three! Oh!

The funny thing is that whenever someone I know frets about the number I'm always telling them that it's ONLY a number. But now when it has infected me I'm all - It's NOT JUST A FUCKING NUMBER. I'm sweating now Not because I have the urgency to get married tmrw and operate a baby making factory immediately.

I'm sweating now because I still have naught a major achievement to be proud of in the past decade of my life. Or perhaps my memory is so damn short now that I probably had quite a few but forgotten them all because too many brain cells drowned in booze. But I digress. The point is, if I don't remember, it didn't fucking happen. Haha.

Someone I look up to once asked me "you don't have really high ambitions do you?"

I'm not sure if I was supposed to feel insulted, but I wasn't. Because this person is right. By high ambitions, he probably meant that I didn't have that desire to climb the corporate ladder like an aggressive fire breathing dragon lady on crystal meth and having the desire to eventually take over the company and destroy a small country.. or something along those lines. Anyway, he was right. I don't. But that does not mean that I didn't have ambitions. It's just that my priorities in life were different.

Then he asked - what do I want?

I want to be happy.

Then he asked again - Yeah but what will make you happy?

I couldn't answer. Which then got me thinking - WHAT makes me happy? What were my priorities?

After nearly a year, I think I now have a vague idea. In no particular order:

1. My family. I want to spend more time with my nieces. My oh so damn cute can die got com nieces I can't get enough of. I want to be there with them every second they grow up. Make them laugh. Scold them when they are naughty. Buy them nice, pretty things. Watch them beat me at computer games. Take them out for their first beer when they are 18. Dispense auntie-ly advise to them whenever they seek it.

I want to be able take my family out for a holiday. Buy my parents a car. My little sister a car. Dispense big sisterly advise to my sis and brother whenever they seek it. Help out with brother's twins. Hang out with the sis-in-law. Treat the family to makans or a movie sometimes. Buy my sister nice things when I feel that she deserves it.

2. My friends. I want to have hang out with my friends more and get into all sorts of fun, stupid shit with them. Have tonnes more warm and fuzzy memories with them. Have stories about them to tell my grandchildren or at least, my nieces when they grow up. And even when we are all old and grey, still be able to have a beer at the pub, exchanging pictures stories of our grandchildren. When on my deathbed, I want to be able to reflect upon my life and say that I had been a good friend (even though forgetful and scatter brained), and was constantly surrounded with good friends and good times.

3. Myself. Start exercising again. Organise my bloody mess around the house. Start a working filing/action/scheduling system. Own a landed property with MY name on it. Get a bigger car. Go on that crazy backpack round the world trip. Start another blog which focuses on that one hobby and actually commit time and effort to come up with proper content. Update THIS blog a little more regularly because I still do ENJOY IT. Pick up a new hobby. Go for hip hop, belly dancing and pole dancing. GO dancing. Get married one day with someone who's better than me at life and madly in love with me. Have a couple of kids. Adopt a beagle. And if I don't get married, fine. I'll still have my nieces. And TWO dogs. And my own place.

Funny thing about my list is that work was nowhere in it. Yet somehow I'm spending MORE time on it then I pursue the things on my list. Plus I KNOW I don't want to eventually take over the company or anything like that. I just want to do something I enjoy doing, contribute my fair share, and work well with like-minded and awesome colleagues/employers who I actually like enough to want to have a drink with. Only a naive idiot don't know that work IS important. Because without work = no money = no means to hang out with friends or family or do things that make me happy. Also, because of my stupid sense of responsibility I would feel nothing short of guilty if I didn't make it a point to do a good job at my job. Besides, I enjoy it most times. It's not perfect, but I think I can safely say that I liked it much more than my previous jobs who close friends are aware how.... strongly I feel about those.

I want to do too many things, with too little time, and with not enough moolah to go around. That whole work hard play hard saying is easier said than put to practice.

I need to find a balance that works for me. But How. How? HOW? HOW???!?!?!?!

I haven't found the answer to that yet. Which is why I don't feel like I've achieved anything, I suppose. Hence, my one third life crisis.

Perhaps time will tell. I hope it doesn't take too long though. Because for some reason, I keep thinking that time's running out too quickly... and the answers are still nowhere in sight.

Meanwhile, I'll continue bumbling around, trying my best to make things work.

Well, it IS the new year. New decade. New ambition, perhaps. And hopefully new motivation.

So friends & family, please be patient.
This life is still under construction to serve you better.

28 comments:

  1. now u know why i told u to be careful of the Spore...

    Good to know u are still alive & kicking.

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  2. super long wei...

    btw, beware of allah turn into alamak because of ISA

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  3. I can totally identify with you, being born and bred in PJ 30 years ago but now working in SG (just crossed the 4 year mark).
    I'm glad for you that you've identified what makes you happy. But have you identified your purpose / mission in life? Family members (our parents) will leave us one day (one of mine aleady has), while married friends will become busy with their own lives.
    What makes you wanna keep living?

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  4. Pffttt... only 30 years old... Oh wait.. you're a woman...

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  5. it's a lengthy post and welcome back.

    yeah... and its life work in progress

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  6. Is it beer 30, yet? I'm ready to crack open a nice bottle of Sierra Nevada Celebration Ale!

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  7. you're forever this little spicy chili to us, what's that 3 ohh thing you're talking about?

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  8. not amused with the Allah reference. what's wrong with respect?

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  9. Hi, have been reading your blog for awhile now and am glad you are back blogging again after a short hiatus. I can truly comprehend the feeling of turning 30 and going through the whole rigmarole of achievements, what it means to turn 30, what now, what I plan to do from here on etc etc. For me personally, turning 30 two years back unexpectedly made me think about my mortality and the years I have left to really live a full life. Someone once said that you have to accept death, then only can you live a full life. As morbid as that sounds, it did resonate with me and I hope as you turn 30 this year, you will see it as a starting point to the greatest marathon you will ever participate in. Cheerios. BW

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  10. well, life doesnt need to always be earning high pay, climbing the corporate ladder, be on top of everybody to be happy..

    like you say, family is part of it... they are the closest people that you can turned to and rant all things out...

    yes, trip.. pretty good way to breakaway from the hectic life...

    dont worry much about the age ya... is just number..as long as you are young in heart <3

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  11. hehehe .. we already had this convo didn't we .... now it's a blog post :p

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  12. thirty schmirty. Now that you're back, blog more already, bitch!

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  13. Still seven more months to go. Enjoy your twenties.

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  14. 30 is the new 21. 35 (as I am) is the new 18.

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  15. Colonel Sanders was 65 when Kentucky Fried Chicken became a franchise.
    Al Jarreau was 38 when he released his first album.
    Julia Child was 49 when her first cookbook was published.
    Stan Lee was 40 when he created Spider-Man.

    So what if you haven't had a major achievement by the time you're 30? What are you gonna do for the next 40-odd years of your life?

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  16. You're having a rehash of your thoughts (about a year ago)and I remember saying this (and I'll say it again)"
    The most interesting people in the world didn't know what they wanted to do in their lives when they were 20, and at 40, they were still finding out.
    It's the journey, not the destination (especially when it's lubricated with beer)!

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  17. First of all hello. This is my first time posting a reply on your blog.

    Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter-Mark Twain.

    Happiness is not in the mere possession of money; it lies in the joy of achievement, in the thrill of creative effort-Franklin D. Roosevelt

    To begin with start prioritizing your needs and be a realist.

    I really got to go will continue tomorrow.

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  18. "To realise your potential, first understand why you are doing what you are doing. What is your motivation? If you are prepared to invest the time and have the capability of a star, go and get it. But don't lie to yourself. Be a realist: only work for something you truly want, something that's possible within yourself"-Marco Pierre White.

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  19. Hi FA,

    I've been a long time reader, but virgin commenter :P

    Hmmm, I really identify with this post because being happy with my life has always been my main goal in life, so I get what you mean. Then the next question is what makes me happy? Then the next question would be how would I know I've gotten there? In this day & age, does anyone ever know when they are content?

    Similarly, what Ping asked about "What makes you wanna keep living?" - I think about this everyday. I come up with nothing. But it would be really interesting to find out what you think.

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  20. First of all i like to apologize for posting random notes without reading your blog post completely, now that i have completely read the blog post all I can say is that you really need to prioritize your needs and start being realistic about your goals in order to find that balance you are looking for.

    Start by doing something small and work your way up (that is the best way I know). Don't get uptight over the age or time matter, is not like the world is going to end or something.

    As for achievements,it's not just a once in your life time experience or you must achieve something during certain age which is completely utter crap. Be like an explorer who consistently seek out new challenge and forever achieving until they day you die.

    As for life stop seeking meaning in it and just live your life.

    "I choose to live, not just exist"-James Hetfield

    "It's not the daily increase but daily decrease. Hack away at the unessential"-Bruce Lee

    "I am learning to understand rather than immediately judge or to be judged. I cannot blindly follow the crowd and accept their approach. I will not allow myself to indulge in the usual manipulating game of role creation. Fortunately for me, my self-knowledge has transcended that and I have come to understand that life is best to be lived and not to be conceptualized. I am happy because I am growing daily and I am honestly not knowing where the limit lies. To be certain, every day there can be a revelation or a new discovery. I treasure the memory of the past misfortunes. It has added more to my bank of fortitude."-Bruce Lee

    "Unless you try to do something beyond what you have already mastered, you will never grow"-Ronald. E. Osborn

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  21. wow a fuckin nice long post.

    I never knew u were 30 lor. The other day in Horny's car, I asked u whether u were like 26-27ish, u said around there. So I assumed u were my age. Hehehe...

    Dont look like 30 really. hehe..

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  22. Great post. I can relate to everything you are saying here especially about amibition and happiness.

    Hopefully all of us will find that happiness that we are looking for.

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  23. You're back? Oh no.

    Now I have to read your blog again.... ha ha ha.

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  24. The wise man also said that you think too much. ;) hehehe

    if u glance back 2 years ago.
    i remembered exactly what you wanted to do. And you did it. :)
    in case you don't remember, ask me the next time you see me.
    Just because you don't see it, don't feel it doesn't mean it didn't happened.
    Sometimes we have to take a step back to see what we have accomplished, what we had and what we've lost. So we can appreciate what is in front of us.

    You are too concerned with what was and what will be. Yesterday is history, tomorrow is mystery, today is a gift, that's why it's called the present. - Ooglay, Kung Fu Panda.

    I din know u look up to me leh. see... i learn new things everyday. :D

    cheers.

    FA: sorry to burst your bubble, but i wasn't referring to you. :P

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  25. You're such a caring sister! My heart melted when you were so interrogative at KY's party, "Does your mom know you're here? Don't you have a curfew? Does she know you drink? etc." But yeah, because you said your sister was around my age I thought you were 25.

    You don't look old.

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  26. foodcrazee aka mikeJanuary 25, 2010 at 11:51 AM

    keep the age lil sis . . .i'm 10 yrs older yet . . .I havent achieved much. . .life is short. . .enjoy them while we can. . .cheers! u r still a HOTTIE

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  27. FA: yaka? i asked you the same question a long long time ago. oh yeah i forgot. if u dun remember it, it din happened rite? ;) hehhehe

    FA: you're right! Quite the fast learner eh? :)

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  28. Since you've been working in SG for the past year, did you manage to save up enough moolah to do tackle your priorities? If not, then you obviously didn't have a plan for your time in SG.

    Rinse and repeat. Go back to SG and work your butt off before you complain about being 30. You've blown away the first decade of your working life .... now, make sure you don't screw up the next decade.

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