A Letter To My Favourite Kungfu Actor Of All Time

Dear Mr. Jet Li,

Hello! How are you? First of all, I’d like to say that I’m a HUGE fan. Been a fan since the first movie I saw you in, I think that was Once Upon a Time in China, and have fallen head over heels ever since. I even wanted to learn kungfu because of you! I've watched Once Upon a Time in China (1,2,3,6), Last Hero in China, Fong Sai Yuk 1 & 2, Tai Chi Master, Swordsman, Bodyguard from Beijing, My Father Is a Hero… loved it loved it! The way you kick so much ass without even breaking a sweat just takes my breath away. And that look you always have - the sullen, serious, unsmiling, intense, one-look-can-kill-you face when you kick ass. Wah, seriously can die. Well, eventhough Blackmask and Dr Wai wasn’t so great I let it slide and still taught you were one of the best things that ever came into my life after Nutella. I loved you so much back then I used to cut out all your big movie ads from the papers and kept them, just so that I could feel closer to you. On retrospect it sounds a little psychotic but hey I was young and delusional what can I say?

Then you started to venture into Hollywood. I thought hey why not. If he can make it so big in China, I’m sure America can’t be that hard. If Bruce Lee can so can he. If Jackie Chan can so can he. He’s cuter than Bruce, less annoying than Jackie, and definitely more ass-kicking than both of them combined because he uses REAL Shoalin kungfu! How can he not make it?

I remembered your debut English film. Lethal Weapon 4. I was so excited! Lethal Weapon 4 wasn’t too bad at all, watching the 2 out of touch middle-aged cops who’ve been through one too many gun-fights and getting rather sick of all the action taking cheap shots at each other was hilarious. I thought you were excellent as the stereotypical Chinese gangster. I was however, quite upset that you were only given about 10 minutes of face time in the movie, and that Mel Gibson killed you off too easily and quickly – HAH as if he could in real life, them stupid gwai lohs are so unbelievably full of themselves man.

I suppose Lethal Weapon 4 was enough publicity for you to open the floodgates to so many of your other English movies.

Romeo Must Die
Kiss of the Dragon
The One
Cradle 2 the Grave
Rise to Honor
Unleashed

It breaks my heart to say this to you, my childhood idol, my hero. But I really didn't like all of them (watched at least 4 of them and saw the trailers for the rest). At most they were B grade movies. Sure there were big stars in them. Sure your English was so much better than Jackie Chan’s. But the plots were so lame. The acting so wooden. The script wasn't too great. Your Chinese emotionless made-of-steel “yau yeng” face looked wrong in them. And seriously, white people just don’t have the slightest clue on how to showcase your kungfu prowess effectively in all its ass-kicking glory. It’s as if they were mocking you. And by mocking you they were mocking us, your fans. And I hated that it felt like you were merely their puppet to fuck around with while they poke fun of your awesome kungfu skills. WHY DO YOU KEEP LETTING THEM DO THIS TO YOU? WHY?

Then you had to go act in a weird artsy pretty-looking kungfu movie – Hero, and that idiot director had you walking on water, and flying about like some clown, which I for the life of me, just couldn't accept. Huo Yuan Jia felt too self-indulgent and I didn’t really like that either. But at least you made it up for all of that in The Warlords, which also happens to be one of my favourite movies of 2007. But I felt that it still wasn’t quite you.

It makes me feel very sad that I actually cringe at the thought of your new movies now. “oh no, how bad is the next movie going to suck”. You and Chow Yun Fatt both were excellent Chinese actors given awful shitty roles with lousy cheesy scripts in English movies. Jackie Chan gets away with that because he HAS been playing awful shitty roles with lousy cheesy scripts in Chinese. But no, not you Jet Li. Not Chow Yun Fatt. Please, please I pray you, stop selling yourselves short it’s really too painful for me to watch anymore.

Then one day, as I was loitering around the shopping mall and I saw this GINORMOUS POSTER.



THE FORBIDDEN KINGDOM! OMG IT IS SO BEAUTIFUL! MY PRAYERS WERE ANSWERED. JET LI! JACKIE CHAN (bleah)! FLYING-KICKING! OMG! TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE! IT’S GOING TO BE AWESOME I CAN’T WAIT TO WATCH IT CAN’T WAIT CAN’T WAIT. Eventhough I am NO fan of Jackie but OMG JET LI you’re doing another wuxia film I can’t believe it it’s really going to be so awesome CAN DIE!!!!

Then I saw your TRAILER!!!! I nearly pissed my pants and squealed in girly delight when I saw your face... your name... you kungfuing with Jackie Chan and… WTF!!!?!?!?!?!?!?

WHAT IS THAT WHITE BOY DOING IN THERE.

IT’S IN ENGLISH?!@?!?!!?!?

HOW THE FUCK CAN IT BE IN ENGLISH.

ENGLISH!!!!!!!!!111111111noe. WTF!!!!!!!!!!

HEY WTF IS GOING ON HERE I THOUGHT IT WAS A WUXIA FILM WTF I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHAT IS GOING ON WHAT THE FUCK! ENGLISH? WHITE BOY? HAVE YOU LOST YOU BLOODY MIND?!??! ARGH HULKRAGE HEAD EXPLODE CRUSH FURRY CREATURES EAT RAINBOWS STOMP ON AMERICA

Dear Mr. Jet Li,

I can't even begin to describe the wave of emotions I'm feeling right now. It's like you grabbed my heart out from my ribcage with your bare hands and then tore it to pieces, laughing maniacally at me for being such a fool. I feel like wanting to kill myself just thinking about it. I'm so depressed, so broken. I just want to hide in a dark lonely corner and cry. I don't know what to make of it. This... thing. This... movie. Do I really want to watch this with that horrible sinking gut feeling that it WILL SUCK? Please say something, anything to make me want to watch this thing.

Still your very loyal but heart-broken fan,
FA