Pushover

I've realised what a pushover I am.

There's a big difference between being a pushover and being generous/accommodating. The lines seem to have blurred for me over the decades. Finding myself bending backwards to EVERYONE to please them - even people that don't matter.

Why do I do that? Acceptance? Approval? Probably. 

Then the next question would be, but why?

Probably because I never knew better.

But I do now.

I am what I am - I ain't going to bend over backwards just to make others accept me/love me/approve of me anymore. Cliche but it's my life, and I just want to live while I'm alive. :)

The only love I really need is from myself - something I have to learn to do. 

Routine Maketh A Habit

Getting a cold engine started (ie my writing) ain't easy. Reckon I will MAKE myself write on a daily basis with hopes that the juices and words will start flowing more smoothly and naturally in time to come.

So I'm learning a lot about myself these past few months. Spending time talking to people who spare me the time to really listen to me, and not afraid to tell me to my face what is wrong and figuring out how I can improve... it's really starting to wake me up. I can't believe I've been sleep walking for the past god knows how long of my life. It's as if, I've never lived. It's as if, I was just a robot - just doing things. Getting by the day. Never knowing why I'm doing it - but just going through the motions for the sake of going through it. What an empty, meaningless life.

The other catalyst I believe, was having the honour of knowing what I'm like from a 3rd person's perspective. This sounds very cryptic, but we'll keep it that way. The point is, through this... "lesson", I realise how much that what I am now, is not the person I want to be. It really did give me a huge wake up call. I'm thankful for this, and I'm inspired to be a better me.

I've been angsty, bitchy, anxious for so long - for reasons that have mostly been beyond my control. Probably because of all the unjust (in my eyes) that's going on in the world. For all the things I can't control to my favour. For the universe. What a waste of time that was. I've realised now that the only thing you can really control, is your SELF and nothing else. How I see the world, how I view people, how I choose to deal with challenges, that's all within my control. But whatever curve ball life throws at me, I'll never be able to predict - the moment I realised this fact, I'm suddenly less anxious.

Living for the now is what counts. Living in my head - that's pretty much like sleeping. Or like in Adam Sandler's Click - running on autopilot while your life is fastforwarding in front of your face while you're being completely unaware of it. That's how I've been living. My life has been on autopilot. No wonder I've always felt that I've never lived my life - it's truly because I've NEVER lived my life!

Well my dear universe, my living, starts now.

The beginning.

To come back or not to come back.

That's the question. There's nothing stopping me from reviving this blog.

Except perhaps the body. And the mind.

But the spirit is ever-willing.

--------------------------------------------------

Wow. Just realised that it has been more than a year since I've blogged. Truth to be told, I miss it. Thinking about it off an on ain't going to help me update the blog but there never seems to be the time, the energy or the inspiration. I enjoy writing, I really do. In spite of the poor command of the language I still enjoy it. I still remembered why I first embarked on it - I wanted an online journal to document my thoughts.

I've always been a diary writer. My mum gave me my first journal when I was in primary school - she told me it was a book for me to jot down my thoughts, my experience, anything I felt, saw, touch or taste - anything at all, which I felt I wanted to remember, reflect upon. At first I wrote not more than a couple of words "fun day" "cold" "bored" "met this guy"... which evolved to a paragraph.... which evolved to my teenage years of pouring pages and pages of emotionally-driven scratches of my thoughts I would never have been comfortable to share with anyone.

The blog thing happened in my early years of my day job. It was meant to be an evolution of a private diary. One thing led to another, and it's no longer a private diary, but a platform for me to rant, share experiences... and as a bonus, make some friends along the way.

I've left my previous job already - the one which I've decided to close the blog for. And in just under a year, I find myself just about to leave my current one. No big secret. Just as soon as I tendered half the building already knew about the news. No big surprises since where I work, information is the key source of income. In fact, anywhere you work, information IS key source of income. :)

The previous job I left - because I was done with it. Same with this. All I can say is that - it wasn't for me.  and I have no regrets whatsoever. I've always been so scared of making  choices, of taking the leap of the unknown. Am starting to realise that EVERYTHING is life is an unknown, NOTHING is for certain and EVERYTHING comes to an end. I'm not able to control the future or the outcome, but I can control what I decide, how I feel, what I think.

I find myself being very reflective these past few months. The scary part about this is that I've come to realise I have absolutely no awareness of myself. Sounds silly when put in writing - but that explains why I've felt so lost and confused in the past decade. Always searching for something.. always waiting. What am I searching or waiting for.. I have no clue. Just something to answer that nagging question (not sure what it is) in my head, or to complete me. Finally realised that it's not the way. Fulfillment, contentment, happiness should be found internally, not externally.

.... and I'm still trying to come to peace with that. And with myself.

I hope with this post, it really means that I'm back to writing. For good.

Why shouldn't I do what I enjoy doing?

So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish.

It's been almost a year since I've updated this blog.

This shall be the last post here, and soon, this blog will cease to exist.

I have on and off think about one day reviving this blog, but was never inspired enough to actually act on it. That, and there were some things in Real Life which didn't really permit me to.

I won't be paying for the domain nor server space anymore - no point lah, since I don't blog. I may however, move the archives to a blogspot or something. At least then if I wanted to, I could walk down memory lane from time to time - for some shit and giggles and to remind myself how idiotic I have been, and can be.

I'll miss this a little, of course. Been doing this since 2004...? I have made so many friends, made so many memories, got into so many adventures & some trouble too.

Actually I lied. I'll miss this a lot.

Thanks so much for sticking around, and for being part of this chapter of my life. Without the yous, there won't be a me.

Be seeing you around. ;)

Might as well end it.

I talk about wanting to blog more than I actually blog. :( It's not as if I don't enjoy it anymore, I just can't seem to make time. Hmm, can't seem or don't want to, not sure.

If you enjoy something, but don't spend any time doing it anymore can you still say that you enjoy it if you don't do it anymore?

What if you spend all your waking (and sometimes non-waking) moment at something you don't quite enjoy - does it actually mean that you actually enjoy it?

I'm losing it. By it, I mean my life... my intentions for it this year. It's not on track at all. It's so not on track it's actually on the negative. It's depressing.

What I'm in was what I told myself I wanted, but I'm tired of it now. It's not.... worth it anymore. It once was, but now I feel numb by it, I've lost all taste for it. Everything that drove me to do it, it's gone. It's no longer gratifying. I no longer feel that sense of accomplishment. It feels like, nothing.

When you feel like this, it's time to get out of it.

Isn't it?

I'm such an idiot.

Thanks for helping me realise that at the end of the day, all I am is a big, fat, lifeless, emotionless, disposable, piece of nothing.

I am such a goddamn fucking stupid idiot.

cryptic post - i don't care.

The blue pill or the red pill.

it's been bugging me for sometime now. Like an itch in the corner of my mind I can't reach to scratch.

i wished i was as certain as neo when he chose the red one in less than 5 minutes. then again, he grew up knowing that the red pill was his chosen path. He knew that the blue pill was NOT it. No need for grandfather stories. No need for further encouragement. No need for insurance salesmen con/scare tactics. He Just Knew it in his Gut to take the red pill.

I just need to know WHAT is MY bloody red pill.

But that's not for anyone to tell me. It's for me to know it in my gut.

_looks down_

*silence*

*grasshoppercrickets chirping loudly in background*

..... stupid gut's no help at the moment.

maybe it will come with a little more time.

sigh.

I still Love to Blog

Really I do. But I love my nieces better. They are cuter than my blog.

Also, I'm spending wayyy to much time at work. If not at work, then thinking about work. If not thinking about work, then dreaming about it. This is very unplanned for.. I just fell into it, really.

I still love you, dear friends and reader. I just have less of a life. and time. and energy. To update, or get involved. But that doesn't meant I don't think about it all the time, which I do, by the way.

I keep meaning to load up a collage of my twin nieces. But I spend too much time playing with them and taking pictures of them... and then conveniently feel lazy to make the pictures into a collage and load it up onto the web. :P Take my word for it, they are the cutest things ever. So chubby, and cute, and cuddly, and ohymgod it just melts my heart when they smile. I don't want to grow up too fast. Because once they'll do, they'll start talking, answering back, being rude, saying no, refusing to listen, slamming doors at your face... argh. Surly teenagers. I don't remember being like that... (though I'm sure my mum would beg to differ)

This is becoming a bad habit, me updating my blog only when I'm feeling high. It's like I'm only inspired when I'm high. Does that make me an alcoholic? No lah, I'm inspired by everything. The first rays of the morning sun. The chirping of birds. The smell of coffee. The taste of food. The smell of babies. Everything. I'm not an alcoholic. I'm a lifeaholic! :P

Now that I'm on a random blogging spree, better puke out everything I can think of:

Let's see, what are the last few movies I've watched.....
Avatar: Oooh, very pretty. The animals and plants, so pretty. But too freaking long. And one too many reminders of LOTR. But soooo pretty!
Alice in Wonderland: Weird. Alice in Wonderland to begin with, was already a weird story to begin with. Tim Burton took it to a whole new level. Disappointed with the Mad Hatter though. Expected him to be more, outrageous. He seemed too, controlled.
Sherlock Holmes: Rocked my fucking socks. Robert Downey Jr + Jude Law = fanfuckingtastic. I mean, apart from the actor, the storyline and the script was entertaining enough for me to love the movie!

Tv shows I'm currently trying to follow:
Glee: It's a guilty pleasure! Really! I really hate the very shallow storyline and always can't wait to get it over with until they perform.... but the lines they come up with sometimes, can be pretty darn funny and clever! I'm really liking r. schuester a LOT... though the sad thing is that I highly suspect that he is gay in real life. :(
AI: Not quite fantastic group this year. Not one person really stood out for me. It was just, meh. Is it just me or are the judges just really sound like they don't know what the fuck they are talking about anymore? My money's on Crystal or Siobhan. Crystal is actually original enough and Siobhan, like Simon says, it's a funny little thing. But if she keeps insisting on screaming at every single song ending, I'm going to strike her off faster than you can say "adam lambert"
So you think you can dance: love it love it love it love it...... until a couple screws up a performance, or when that annoying screeching thing who's a judge screeches like a dying hyena. The host, Cat Deeley, is really someone I can keep looking at without feeling bored. Ryan Seacrest could pick up a few pointers from her.

Clubbing:
G6: Hate the place, most probably due to the fact that I hated the crowd. All these kids looked like they haven't even sat for their SPMs, what gives? Hate the DJ that was spinning on that night we were there. Some guys from Hitz. DJ Skeletor? Ohmygod. Unless G6 is meant to be a club for kids with a 5 second attention span, DJ skeletor should've been sacked yesterday! Thank god there was good company to save the night.
Zeta Bar: Very age-appropriate place. Nice life band, but after 2 nights, realised that their sets are pretty much the same. I had great company, so both times I was there, it was awesome.
Marketplace: For a foam party. Helluva fun! Mostly because of the good company, and excellent DJ. Except 2 days after, my skin started to peel like a freaking snake shedding it's skin. A little embarrassing when it's on your face. At work. But FUN fun FUN!

Etc...:
- I want to whiten my teeth. I've been thinking about it for too long already. Time to actually DO something about it.
- I'm feeling relieved and excited about something I did this evening. I haven't felt like this in a while with regards to "this". Fingers crossing, I hope it works out. I know I'm being annoying cryptic. So sue me.
- I'm actually a little jelak of Hoegaarden. Going to try my best to stay away from it for the next couple of months. Keep the killkennys coming though.

..........................................................

damnit. I ran out of juice.

till the next random update.

muah to the 2 of you for still sticking around.

Internal Thoughts.

Oh my god.

I am so totally aware that I should be sleeping right now because I actually do care about being able to function at work tomorrow. But the urge to blog is just too much to ignore. So here I am blogging at 2.15am on a Thursday night. shhhh. don't tell my boss okay. :PPPPPPP

why am i fucking blogging whenever i'm feeling extremely high ar. this is fast becoming a habit. am i turning alcoholic? do i actually creatively function better when I'm high? Wait. Don't tell me. I don't think I want to know. Let me enjoy this a bit longer.

I have to reiterate that the urge to blog in me is very high. Is just that I don't have my own pc, so.... it's inconvenient lah, which is why i dont bother.

Anyway. first thing first. clubbing in bamboo is fucking fun because the DJ plays MOSTLY danceable music. i say mostly because the fella likes to do the following which annoys the hell out of me:
1) plays a couple of songs more than once... not really complaining when he plays my favourite songs, but i don't feel the same about other songs which I don't quite enjoy.
2) plays karaoke-ish songs in the middle of the night. Karaoke-ish songs are only meant to be played at the END of the night lah idiot.
... other than night, fucker plays very very danceable music ...... thus far.

....and a 700ml black label for 300 bucks is still fucking overpriced for something i can get for 100++ bucks got 1 litre duty free at airport but what can i do about it, eh?

anyway, random shit time, because i'm high and can say almost whatever i feel like saying:

i'm 30. time is running out, but i'm still kinda young.

i wish i picked things up faster, but i know everything takes time.

i wish i had the natural talent to speak/sell/convince because it's so fucking relevant in life, but perhaps i will learn those eventually.... but why not NOW.

it's true what they say about "it's not what u know, it's who u know". unfortunately, my no bullshit assessment of myself is that i have neither, which means i have to work from ground zero, which sucks for me.

i know hard work counts for something but i wished i didnt have to work so hard.

i would probably go somewhere later in life, but i'm a impatient motherfucker who thinks too much so why not the hell now.

i know the fact that the only thing that is really stopping me from being truly great is myself - this might take forever to fix.

i really love to have a somebody, but right now when I'm high, i must say that it's better being alone than settling. in general lah.

i probably want too much too soon and have too high expectations which might mean that i'll never be happy - it's a good and bad thing ... right?

i don't care what u think, but i do truly love to dance, but the lack of basics, and with my fucked up knees means that there's a high possibility that i can never do it for a living. :)

my nieces are so cute. until they are naughty, which is when they are not cute and i'd feel like throwing them away, but the moment they are NOT naught i truly love them to bits.... until i remember what my brother told me " they are mine yeah, not yours. get your own ". sad. u think so easy ar? tiu.

lady gaga still rocks my socks.

i can't think of anymore.

till the next drunken post, goodnight.

Of Clubbing and Dancing.

Fuck I really want to blog more but I'm spending too much time at work and with life. Sorry. I feel really bad because I have so much to type about, but just can't be arsed to. Anyway......

Am a little high now so may be incoherent. you've been warned.

I'm sure i've mentioned this before, but I really do enjoy clubbing.

the music. the atmosphere. the drinks. the company.

Ppl say I think too much. that I'm too uptight. that I'm emo. I care too much.

Perhaps they are right. BUT.

When the music is good, the company is right, the drinks are plenty - I am none of that.

I prance around with my hands flaying about like a monkey on heat. I say whatever without giving a shit. I wear whatever I want - cargo pants, sneakers, tshirt - as long as I'm comfortable.

So if you're judging me on that night by how I act, look or dance - why should I care? I don't know you. You don't even KNOW me.

Someone once shared with me that his "me" time was when he was making his own coffee from scratch. The moment people see him making coffee, they know to leave him alone. It made me wondered what MY alone time was.

I finally figured out tonight that my "me" time was with some booze, some decent music and a dance space.

That's when I don't really give a shit about anything else but my own enjoyment. That's when I can lose myself. That's when I don't give a flying fuck what you think. That's when I forget about everything. That's when I feel fucking great.

Which is why I don't quite enjoy lengthy, philosophical conversations at clubs. Or any conversation for that matter. Don't enjoy random guys trying to chat me up. Hate the lack of a dance floor or shitty music.

Which is also why I prefer dancing with women because THEY DON'T EXPECT TO GO HOME WITH ME.

Not saying I'm hot. Or a great dancer. But you know how it is at clubs, right?

I would dance with a guy, if he knew that he's not getting anything from me. I would dance with a guy if he can kind of dance. Of course, bonus points if he is semi-cute when in the dark and when I'm high. But it's all very subjective because I don't really care about anyone else but ME during my "me" time. I'll just do whaever makes me happy.

I sure the rest of the world thinks different but I want to go to a club because I just want to enjoy myself. I want to get lost in the moment. I don't want to give you my number. I don't want your name. I don't want no goddamn conversation. I don't want to go home with you. I just want to dance. Unless you feel the same way, just leave me the fuck alone please. Please. please. Stop wasting my time and yours.

Hello, nobody decent really wants to get laid at a Club by a random stranger okay.

At leasts not me anyway. So just leave me alone, and just dance! Gonna be okay! just dance! spin that record babe! just dance! dance! dance! dance! dance!