not afraid of being me

i dont mince my words, i may be abrasive and vulgar but i am  nice.

i say what i think - could be improved. coz sometimes i dont think before i say

i dont like big groups all the time it gets tiring.

i really enjoy my drink - but that doesn't mean i can drink a lot.

i like food, but i don't snack and i can't eat a lot. i eat when i'm hungry. and when i'm full i stop.

i have my lansi face - but my heart's in the right place

a really good movie, song, show, act, dance really inspires me

i still dont know how to ride a bicycle but maybe i'll learn one day.

i still like my art.

i still enjoy dancing.

i can be too nice.

sometimes i do things spontaneously without thinking through consequences.

other times, i think too much.

i can do accounts in fact i enjoy balancing the numbers, i still do.

i love words. 

i love my crafts wished i had more time.

i care too much sometimes.

other times, i might not care at all when i'm supposed to.

i love my mum. i dont tell her enough, but i would do a lot for her. she is above everything else in my life. and all i want is to make her happy in my own power.

i can be fun.

i can be too serious.

sometimes i take myself too seriously - i shouldnt. just let go my ego.

i have a black sense of humour.

i can be blur - or not updated.

i love and still entertain the idea of having my own family.

if that doesn't work out, i'm still trying to come to terms with being on my own.
i used to think i would like having kids, but not i'm not sure anymore.
same about dogs.

i have a short fuse which needs to be worked on.

i still have not learnt to deal with difficult people and situations, which I will. 

i dont like it when people raise their voices, or when people are angry at me directly or indirectly - i take it personally. eventhough I know i shouldnt because I have no control over them.

i really dont enjoy conflict. 

i really despise lying or being lied to.

i empathise too much.

if it makes sense and doesn't affect me one bit, or if it's trivial to me - i can easily change my mind about something with some convincing.

i really have a lot of excess physical energy sometimes, i should do something to contain that.

i can get addicted or obsessed easily over anything or anyone.

if i had to choose between one gender, i would actually prefer the company of men. and to work/with for them. they are easier to get. simpler creatures. 

i guess it's because i'm not that much of a sekchou irly/girl

i enjoy putting on make up and dressing up. but most times i prefer my jeans and tshirt. and a comfy pair of sneakers.

i'm all for comfort over style/beauty. i wont die to look good. 

but i do like dressing up for special occassions.

i'm still searching for my perfect scent.

i still want to travel the world - see touch taste everything.

i always want to be there for the people i care about, though i don't say or show that often enough.

Minding My Own Business

Sometimes I mistake "caring" with "being a busybody". I'd like to know how where why when what... as if there was something I can do about it, but I can't. I'm just being mega curious.

How does that make my life any better knowing everything? It doesn't. It doesn't help the other person or the situation either. In fact it might aggravate matters because the person who tells you the story might actually expect some action from you which you weren't even thinking about offering in the first place - then you would've accidentally dug a pit big enough for yourself..

So maybe that's what the phrase "ignorance is bliss" really means.

mind your own business. if you can't help, or if there's nothing else within your power you can do for others or the situation, then let others mind their own.

Also, I've been guilty of other related acts:

- being sucked into the mob mentality over a subject matter or a person.
As if I don't have a mind of my own. I mean, if others felt a certain way about something, and if I don't agree, I should try to make my own stand - if not vocally, then at least, by not being part of it. I've been guilty of this quite a number of times. Why? Probably i thought it was easier to be agreeable than have to fend off or disagree and then justify myself against a group of like-minded (and opinionated) people. I like the individuals enough, but in a big group, it feels like everyone's worst side of themselves are laid out in the open. I was part of that. Looking back, it was wrong. I don't like it. I wished I had the courage then.

- and defending other people
they are capable of defending themselves. If others want to bad mouth or bitch, while it is good practice to not actively participate in it, there's no reason to defend others blindly instead. might do more harm than good because who died and made me their spokesperson?

- indulging in gossip
what the hell for? how does that make my life better? It does not. Neither will it to you.

Moving forward, I endeavor to stay away from such unproductive, negative acts in the future. It is to no one's benefit. And it serves no purpose than incite negative feelings based on presumptions and assumptions which are not verified by the other party.

To improve as a person and be compassionate, we need to NOT dwell on the negatives of circumstances or a person. The energy and effort spent in these acts could be used to do better, more productive things like read, or create something awesome, or spending time with loved ones, do chores, catch a good episode of Suits.

Simple enough in theory isn't it. Now to put it into practice.

Observe

stay in the background.

smile.

nod.

stay silent.

no one will know.

no one will remember.

just stay.

in the dark.

in the corner.

by the wall.

away from prying eyes.

hidden from suspicious ears.

shut your mouth.

open your eyes.

enjoy the moment.

breathe in.

breathe out.

watch and learn.

but don't say much.

unless spoken to.

keep smiling.

there's so much to take in.

Keeping busy....

... everyday.

I know I will be okay.

I need to learn to be okay being bored and lonely.

They are just feelings which will go away.

Just This Once.

So you give in.

you say, just this once.

this is an exception to the rule.

I won't do it again.

I didn't have a choice.

I was forced to.

Whatever the reason - the decision was to give in.

to lose a piece of yourself.

to compromise a principle.

to close an eye.

you allow this once.

and then,

it happens again.

because it's only twice.

because it just needed to be done this way.

because you had to.

because there was no other feasible option.

because. because. because.

rinse and repeat.

years and years.

and you keep doing it.

consciously.

unconsciously.

it becomes a habit.

until you forget what you are. what you believed in. what you stood for.

and then you forget yourself.


just 3 words.

just this once.

nostalgic

off and on i'll suddenly think about this one person.

i think i've written about him before here that was a few years ago. think it was a post dedicated to him on his bday.

this person left such an impression in my life that i still think about him till this day. It's been more than a decade.

“Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts. And we are never, ever the same.”

This line really captures what this person has done for me. My world was bigger because of him.

He was super intelligent, super fun, super wise, super talented. In my eyes he could do anything.

I still remember how everytime when you smiled, my heart skipped 2 beats.

Sometimes, I wonder if we could've ever got it off. But the timing was never right. :)

Then again, I'm glad it was as it was. Great friends.
Who knows what would've happened if the dynamics changed.

I never told you this in person, but any girl would be lucky to have you. All my happy thoughts, and love goes with you and your loved one. Congratulations :)

i havent stopped loving our memories.

and i bloody miss you, you idiot.

Caring About Friends.

Conversations with some friends made me realise something.

Not everyone is worth your fuck.

We were talking about how a group of fun-loving people who love to have fun who don't give a fuck about others within the group. Even if you go as a group, they'd just disperse and do their own thing and act as if you happened to be there. Wtf - it never dawned upon me that this sort of shit happens among "friends". That feels so wrong to me. So uncaring. So irresponsible and selfish. I guess it takes all kinds to make this planet. 

But at least I know that this is not the sort of "friends" I want to keep, or the type of "friend" i want to be. So i know now how to categorise them. 

The words friend is used very loosely here, hence the inverted commas. Everyone has the right to their own definition I guess. On how to be a friend. On how to be. 

If on your deathbed you can name 5, just 5 friends you know will go all out to help you when you're in deep shit - you have lived a great life.

It was difficult for me to even name 3. And that also I'm not even sure.

It's not as if I don't know many awesome and caring people. But it's probably because I myself haven't been that great of a friend. If I haven't been a great friend, if I didn't put in the effort, why should anyone give a fuck?

What am I scared of? Scared of caring and giving to people who are worth it because why? you're afraid one that you'll be fucked over? By what? How? Why? There are reasons why they have been your friends for years and years. Reasons why you bothered keeping in touch in the first place. Reasons why they were worth caring about so why should you care what happens after? If I get fucked over, then I get fucked over la.

Fear. Fear stops you from being great. But it's just a feeling which will past innit. Need to get over it and just do it.

So maybe what I really do need to learn to pick and choose who is worth giving a fuck about.

Not something that comes easy for me because I am by nature, very, very fucking soft hearted actually.

But if I want to survive and self-preserve, it's a skill I must learn to pick up.

Honestly, sometimes it's just easier to curl up in bed, than to face people. But really, one needs to make an effort to give a fuck. There needs to be some balance in the force, so to speak haha. So get out there. If I get burnt. Learn. Move on. 

Learn to say no.

Learn to be selective.

Learn to be assertive.

Learn to stand up for myself. Because if I'm not going to do it for myself, who will?

Nobody nobody but me.

And hopefully, when I've learnt to be a better friend, 5 of them too. 

Recurrent Dream.

I've had recurring dreams about being back in my taekwondo classes. Very realistic dreams.

The floor, the walls, the class in progress. My instructors. The green paint on the wall. Even the location of the toilet.

I wonder if it's a sign?

Was never really good at sparring though. I was SHIT at it. Hate the idea of hurting people. Always held back and let other party hit me LOL. And it's pretty useless for self defense. But I was fucking good with patterns because I was just.. good at forms. And I thoroughly enjoyed that.

With 2 mended knees and having not done it for nearly a decade, perhaps it's too late?

Maybe there's something else I could take up.

Kick boxing? Capoeira? Hmm. It's never too late right?

Of Being Drunk

Not sure if I'm done with this part of my life yet or just sick of looking at how people behave when they are shitfaced.

You know .. when they/you're not talking sense, falling all over the place, imposing trouble onto other people, killing off their fun.

That's the worse. When you impose your drunkardness onto other people. Troubling them to worry and care for you, like a freaking 2 year old that needs his ass wiped by someone else after pooping.

I've been guilty of that sometimes. And I think I'm finally done with that.

There's just no fun in being shitfaced and forgetting half of what happened when you come around the next day. And those hangovers = lost of an entire weekend feeling blah.

I will still enjoy and appreciate my drinks. Because they taste good and because there's so much to experience. Not because I want to chase that high or be shitfaced. There's just no point in that anymore. There was never a point in that.

I'm totally better off reading a good book over the weekend than wasting it nursing a bad hangover.

Living your dream

I've had the pleasure of meeting these people who seemed like they are living it. Seemed like they've found it. It meaning - career. life. status. partner. etc.

I find myself wishing I was them.

Nothing's stopping me except for myself, states a bumper sticker.

Problem is I don't know what I want. Still searching. Still unsure. Still aimless and lost.

So much courage and confidence. These people already knew deep down in their hearts, what they were, what they loved, what they are capable of.

How did they know what they want? How and When did that process take place?

And why hasn't it happen to me?

I should stop asking why. 

And just keep searching. 

By elimination maybe one day I'll find it. That peace. That calm.

That thing.

It. 

Can't just settle with anything. 

You just can't SETTLE with life.