Frank Miller's 300 Is Orgasmic.

If you have sworn upon your own blood and the sacrifice of poultry to not watch ANY movie this year, BREAK IT. BREAK THAT FUCKING VOW NOW AND GO WATCH 300! IT IS WORTH EVERY DROP OF BLOOD YOU'VE SPILT AND EVERY FEATHERED CREATURE YOU'VE EVER SLAUGHTERED.

A movie adaption of Frank Miller's graphic novel, 300 tells the story of King Leonidas who took a "walk" with 300 of his strongest men as "bodyguards" to stop the Persians from invading his land.

If you are a fan of SinCity, Gladiator and Braveheart, you will, beyond any reasonable doubt, fall head over heels over 300, even borderlining MAD LUST.

It is the best damn shit you'll feast your eyes upon evAR.

The dark, solid red from their capes and blood (OH GOD SO MUCH BLOOD) stood out EVER SO BEAUTIFULLY against the washed out yellow-hued background. For an almost monocolour movie the colours were so rich you could almost EAT them. It wasn't just a COMIC. It was pure art. It was art COMING TO LIFE.

Highlight of the movie were the bloody battle scenes, which basically, IS the ENTIRE MOVIE. Like a perfectly choreographed ballet/acrobatic routine (less tutus and the pointe shoes; add gallons of blood and violence), it was nothing short of BREATHTAKING. From the first moment you see the Spartans' raising their shield in their first battle, you'll realise that it's gonna be a ride of fucking RAW PERFECTION. To see the men suspended in mid-air for one tenth of a second in slow-mo right before he pierces his spear into his enemy in real-time, splattering his dark red blood everywhere: Pure Unadulterated Magic. Bloody. Brutal. Graceful.

Mind-Fuckingly Beautiful.

The soundtrack which accompanied these fight scenes were so powerful it makes you want to JUMP UP, grab the nearest OBJECT, TEAR your cothes off, RUN into the screen, YELL a war cry and join the Spartan army to kick some Persian ASS. It MAKES you thirsty.

The exaggerated, perfectly sculpted bodies of the men akin to greek gods. The mutant beasts of your nightmares. The god-king which reminds you of the Unraveler from the second act of Diablo 2. All these fantasy characters were you can actually believe that THEY COULD BE REAL. That a man could be 4 head taller than you and still look normal. That elephants the height of a 10 storey building walk among us. That men of such valour, such passion, such fierce strength, such insane loyalty; could ever exist in this world.

Sure the lines were pretty damn cheesy and predictable. Sure all the steamy sex scenes were cut off. But you won't CARE. All these tiny shortcomings are all negligible to how beautifuckingful this movie is, if ever a violent blood-thirsty war movie can ever be described as beautiful. Your only real regret would be that it ran for too short (less than 2 hours).

There's just not enough adjectives or superlatives in the English language to desribe how awesometastic this movie was.

I fucking can't wait for the original director's cut to come out so I can get my grimy paws on it.

I WANT THE GRAPHIC NOVEL NOW.

And Hello Faramir! You're looking very hot indeed!

Watch it watch it watch it WATCH IT OMG.